Arrow in the Head reviews "Beowulf"

Beowulf (1999)

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Directed by:	Graham Baker
Starring:	Christopher Lambert/Beowulf
	Rhona Mitra/Kyra
	Oliver Cotton/Hrothgar
	Gotz Otto/Roland

RATING

PLOT-CRUNCH:

A sci-fi update of the famous 6th Century poem. In a world that’s part medieval and part futuristic, half man/half god (or is it demon) Beowulf (Lambert) ventures to a castle to defeat its demonic guest. Armed with too many swords and a master’s degree in back flipping, Beowulf kicks that netherworld arse..

THE LOWDOWN:

What have we got here? Another Christopher Lambert Sci-Fi opus? You bet. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a flick of this nature. Dudes and dudettes, we've got a "SO BAD, IT'S FREAKING GOOD" movie on our hands. Didn’t know they still existed. From the opening techno jived "Mortal Kombat" rip off intro, to the first back flip frenzy fight sequence, The Arrow knew he was in for a slice of celluloid with extra cheese on it.

I have never seen a hero with so many swords on him (where does he keep them?) or a hero that’s able to defeat five opponents at the same time with a mere cartwheel. Hilarious!!!!

Beowulf is fun times but for all the wrong reasons. It’s not supposed to be this funny. The movie has a subplot that would baffle any soap opera fan (all about fornicating with demons), the worst dialogue (cornyyyy), a love story that redefines the word phony and enough fight sequences to satisfy all "Power Rangers" fans.

The movie does tarnish the cheese by "exploring" side characters that don’t matter (lag), having way too many "victims" wander the castle alone (they know there’s a creature in there, what’s wrong with them?) and by having the main villain die too easily. But the smiles return with Rhona Mitra’s impressive cleavage, ham actors (yeah Otto, I mean you), Christopher Lambert’s acrobatic agility (stuntman??) some tacky CGI stuff and the best digital explosions this side of "Mattel".

Get the six-pack and Beowulf this!!!!

ACTING:

Christopher Lambert (Beowulf) knows this part, shades of Highlander. All I wanna know is, who’s doing those darn back flips? I kept on saying to myself that Rhona Mitra (Kyra) would be perfect for the movie version of "Tomb Raider". Winds up she’s the human model for the digital "Lara Croft". She looks great, can act and should consider eloping with me. Oliver Cotton (Hrothgar) is a solid actor, in perfect control of his craft…what is he doing in this cheese sandwich? Gotz Otto (Roland) is a lip actor: the different shapes his lips take communicate all emotions. He’s a classic camera ham. Charles Robinson (Weapons Master) is best known for playing Mac on "Night Court". Here he plays a disposable character perfectly. Brent Jefferson Lowe (apprentice Weapons Master) is the black "comic relief" character and he sticks out like a sore thumb, the awful dialogue doesn’t help. Layla Roberts (Grendel’s mother) is the perfect woman: a Playboy Playmate with flawless diction. "Hefner" taught her well. All extras and one line characters look like super market cashiers in medieval get up…FUNNY!

GORE:

A cut off arm (by a guillotine that looks like a giant shaving razor…lol), some after the fact cadavers, CGI demons and Lambert’s bleached hair.

T & A:

Rhona Mitra (Kyra) proudly displays her cleavage…she’s very yummy…where’s the whipped cream? Layla Roberts wears a see-through blouse that shows her implants in all their glory.

DIRECTING:

The director loves to amplify "emotional moments" by cuing in the score (corny). He also loves slow motion (especially when back flips are involved). The film looks like a comic book come to life…for better and worse.

SOUNDTRACK:

A kick arse techno score that’s often misused.

BOTTOM LINE:

If you’re looking for a quality film, look elsewhere. But if you want the perfect movie to laugh at, Beowulf is it. It has enough kool fight scenes and bobbling cleavage to satisfy every hetero male out there. If you swing the other way you always have Lambert with bleached hair wearing tight leather. I guess it comes down to this: Do you want to see a back flipping Christopher Lambert?? I know I did.

BULL'S EYE:

This flick cost 20 million to make.

Rhona Mitra plays the hot rape victim in Hollow Man…Kevin bacon is one lucky bastard.

The Arrow interviews Christopher Lambert here

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