Booze Talkin #17

Comments: 17
terometer
93%
Strike Back below!
by: Jim Law Sep. 16, 2009

 

Pussy Vampires

Don't let that title fool you with it's sneaky word-trickery. This rant is not about undead dwellers of the night that feast upon the nether regions of unsuspecting women (as awesome as that would be). This is about pop culture turning some of our most beloved horrifying mythological legends into melodramatic little bitches. When did movie vampires stop showing up on the cover of Fangoria and start being a permanent fixture on shit like BOP! Magazine? This shit needs to stop. I'm taking it back.

This TWILIGHT bullshit is ruining cinematic folklore. This 'Transylvania 90210' trend is taking everything we knew about vampires and burying it underneath a steaming pile of teenage hormones. How horror can be played off as teen-drama is beyond comprehension. I hope Bram Stoker runs into Stephenie Meyer in Hell and delivers the two hundred year old bitch-slap she deserves. And make no doubt about it, these books and movies are a phenomenon. I was treated to it first hand at the San Diego Comic Con. There is an unstoppable force at work here that needs to be taken head-on by horror fans and punished. Every time a vampire sparkles - God kills a puppy. This is fact.

What happened to shit like this? When vampires were evil and declared war on the human race? These stories used to keep me up at night wondering if some cruel bloodsucker was hanging outside my window. I would actually try to bottle sunshine during the day and keep them under my bed, ready to use as grenades when the unavoidable take-over became a reality. I wasn't too smart, but fuck me if I was unprepared. Shit like DRACULA, BLACULA, THE HUNGER, MARTIN, SALEM'S LOT, THE LOST BOYS, NEAR DARK, and FRIGHT NIGHT taught me vamps are not to be fucked with, let alone made out with and caressed in the pale moonlight. More recently FROM DUSK 'TIL DAWN, BLADE, 30 DAYS OF NIGHT, and LET THE RIGHT ONE IN kept the tradition and added some welcome badassery. However, it's looking like we're going downhill from here. Even on television.

Are you fucking kidding me? What, about that picture, screams vampire? Even the childish 'Coronation Street'-esque font fails in the ways of the macabre. Is it so bad that the pussiest of vampire stories is now being ripped-off by pussier, less original vampire stories? I sure hope there's an end to this and it doesn't start an 'American Idol' type onslaught against my senses. I might not survive this one.

Maybe it's the booze talking but I don't feel like sharing my genre with teenage girls. Don't they have enough? What's next, a zombie sitcom for middle aged housewives? Maybe Godzilla can team up with 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition'. It hard enough to get quality horror any more, we don't need shit like this abusing our genre any more.

Source: AITH

17 discussions Expand all
Show Oldest First  |  Newest First  |  Most Popular
 
+0
Vote Up Vote Down
Deranged
7:36PM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
Not horror? Get out! . . . Really.
Umm, so you are saying that Twilight is NOT horror? Hmm, so why do you guys keep doing stories on it?
Umm, so you are saying that Twilight is NOT horror? Hmm, so why do you guys keep doing stories on it?
1 Reply
 
The Arrow
9:53PM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
They keep doing stories on it cause I tell em too. TWILIGHT is about vampires, its very popular and our site needs to be up to date with it for the better of our readers who love the shit out of it. Doesn't mean my staff has to like it.
They keep doing stories on it cause I tell em too. TWILIGHT is about vampires, its very popular and our site needs to be up to date with it for the better of our readers who love the shit out of it. Doesn't mean my staff has to like it.
 
+1
Vote Up Vote Down
Necrotard
7:33PM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
I'm constantly surrounded by douchebags who expect me to like this shit because I'm an hardcore horror fan. They assume that horror fans like vampires, therefor we'll eat up anything that involves vampires.

If it weren't for this fucking stupid attitude, I'd be able to look past most of this crap.
I'm constantly surrounded by douchebags who expect me to like this shit because I'm an hardcore horror fan. They assume that horror fans like vampires, therefor we'll eat up anything that involves vampires.

If it weren't for this fucking stupid attitude, I'd be able to look past most of this crap.
 
-1
Vote Up Vote Down
xphoenixx
7:31PM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
i fully concur. i'm tired of this garbage.
i fully concur. i'm tired of this garbage.
 
+0
Vote Up Vote Down
TheAxeGrinder
7:28PM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
Twilight is shitty writing in general. Stephen King was right.
Twilight is shitty writing in general. Stephen King was right.
 
-1
Vote Up Vote Down
SuperMarcey
7:24PM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
Twilight is shit, end.
Twilight is shit, end.
 
+0
Vote Up Vote Down
miguel_montes
5:42PM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
... a flying-viking vampire is no pussy! Eric FTW!
... a flying-viking vampire is no pussy! Eric FTW!
 
-1
Vote Up Vote Down
BrokenDreamer
3:05PM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
The fact that David Slade is directing the next Twilight film just makes things worse. This is the guy who made one of the great vampire flicks you mentioned, 30 Days of Night, and even had a great quote attacking the Twilight franchise which he immediately took back once he became the new director (see: was paid a lot of money). From a gruesome horror film to a angst-ridden teen romance feat...
The fact that David Slade is directing the next Twilight film just makes things worse. This is the guy who made one of the great vampire flicks you mentioned, 30 Days of Night, and even had a great quote attacking the Twilight franchise which he immediately took back once he became the new director (see: was paid a lot of money). From a gruesome horror film to a angst-ridden teen romance featuring vampires? That is a bad career move and a disappointing statement.

I saw "Angel" and "Buffy" recently and have to admit that even Joss Whedon (who, admittedly, is a very talented writer) handled vampires better than these modern examples. And, yes, while Twilight is not horror and intended for the teenage girl crowd, it is still taking a character that should induce fear and pussifying it. Think about the horrific depictions of Vampires and now think about the ones shown in Twilight. At the very least, you have to ask yourself why these terrifying creatures with a dark mythology would coexist in this teen-romance world. It is just not fitting of vampires.
 
-1
Vote Up Vote Down
Acerbus III
12:19PM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
don't watch it
NEWS FLASH: Twilight is not horror. It is a teen romance/drama. Do you like other teen romance/dramas? Then...wait for it...you probably won't like Twilight. If you don't like Twilight, then don't watch it. There were horrible vampire movies/shows before Twilight, and there will be horrible ones after Twilight. If you don't like Twilight...don't watch it! What's next? Is the Grease/West...
NEWS FLASH: Twilight is not horror. It is a teen romance/drama. Do you like other teen romance/dramas? Then...wait for it...you probably won't like Twilight. If you don't like Twilight, then don't watch it. There were horrible vampire movies/shows before Twilight, and there will be horrible ones after Twilight. If you don't like Twilight...don't watch it! What's next? Is the Grease/West Side Story crowd going to say that High School Musical pussified the genre? Give me a break.
 
-2
Vote Up Vote Down
creampuffkiller
11:45AM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
vampussies
these teen vampire stories are such a travesty. It is a violation of my civil rights to have to put up with this garbage. Teenage girls yet again alter the course of history. Remember? They gave rise to the likes of Backstreet Boys and company and The Hills. I agree with Eapo_q42. there should be a movie about real mean as fuck vampires ripping to shreds those vampussies of today. I have an i...
these teen vampire stories are such a travesty. It is a violation of my civil rights to have to put up with this garbage. Teenage girls yet again alter the course of history. Remember? They gave rise to the likes of Backstreet Boys and company and The Hills. I agree with Eapo_q42. there should be a movie about real mean as fuck vampires ripping to shreds those vampussies of today. I have an idea forming. Anybody want to collaborate to make it a reality?
 
-4
Vote Up Vote Down
clepto
11:00AM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
Pre teen mall dwellers need vampire movies too right. NOT!!!!!! get out of are genre twilight you peice of pussy shit. I wish I could pull a Toxie and smash the authors head between a copy of twilight and new moon. Then after the smahing the lost boys can eat the brains so it cant be reassembled to make any more shitily written vamp stories
Pre teen mall dwellers need vampire movies too right. NOT!!!!!! get out of are genre twilight you peice of pussy shit. I wish I could pull a Toxie and smash the authors head between a copy of twilight and new moon. Then after the smahing the lost boys can eat the brains so it cant be reassembled to make any more shitily written vamp stories
 
-1
Vote Up Vote Down
goNADSgo69
10:56AM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
Fuck this craze
Okay this is waht i say about these pussy vampires as you put it..FUCK 'EM! I'm 19 and have been obsessed with horror my entire life. Like instead of watching disney i grew up on Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw Massacre...all the originals of course. And i have always had a special place for vampires. One of my all time favorite films is Near Dark...but vampires nowadays ...
Okay this is waht i say about these pussy vampires as you put it..FUCK 'EM! I'm 19 and have been obsessed with horror my entire life. Like instead of watching disney i grew up on Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw Massacre...all the originals of course. And i have always had a special place for vampires. One of my all time favorite films is Near Dark...but vampires nowadays are shit! Like i don't mind them being angsty or teen drama-ish i guess. But sparkling? UNSCARY? AND WHERE IS MY BLOOD AND SEX!?!?! I want my violent vampires back!!!
Thank whatevz is out there or not out there though for Let the Right One In!
 
+1
Vote Up Vote Down
hrdude
7:18AM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
Finally saw Let the Right One in last week, thank christ as I was beginning to despare.
Finally saw Let the Right One in last week, thank christ as I was beginning to despare.
 
+2
Vote Up Vote Down
Orrion
6:53AM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
Give her what she wants...
So the little lady in the first picture likes hanging with Vamps, huh?

I'd like to introduce her to this one then-
[link]
So the little lady in the first picture likes hanging with Vamps, huh?

I'd like to introduce her to this one then-
[link]
 
+2
Vote Up Vote Down
Eapo_q42
3:39AM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
Best. Post. Ever.
I'd like to see the little girl from Let The Right One In eat the twilight cast. For 90 minutes. Now there's a movie!
I'd like to see the little girl from Let The Right One In eat the twilight cast. For 90 minutes. Now there's a movie!
 
+2
Vote Up Vote Down
JaketheSnake
2:36AM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
Love the Sutherland pic. Posted that on Facebook for all my Twilight loving friends to see.

I swear the moment Edward said "This will be the last time you see me" in the new trailer (which I saw at Transformers, otherwise would never have seen it) I whispered "If only..."
Love the Sutherland pic. Posted that on Facebook for all my Twilight loving friends to see.

I swear the moment Edward said "This will be the last time you see me" in the new trailer (which I saw at Transformers, otherwise would never have seen it) I whispered "If only..."
 
+1
Vote Up Vote Down
gishikin
12:58AM on 09/16/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
right on bro'
Thank You Jim. In my opinion the only Vampire that "sparkles' should be on fire. Here's a movie option, 30 Days of Twilight, where real motherfucking Vampires rip Sparkly faggots new assholes. American Gravure "Idol" worshiping bullshit.
Thank You Jim. In my opinion the only Vampire that "sparkles' should be on fire. Here's a movie option, 30 Days of Twilight, where real motherfucking Vampires rip Sparkly faggots new assholes. American Gravure "Idol" worshiping bullshit.
back (loading) more