Land Monsters #2
Oct. 23, 2009
When last we spoke we were going over some of the rampant nasties that our planet's ocean depths can serve up for our nightmares. But there's plenty of sick f*ckery going on above the waves too. So this week we'll give some real life land monsters their due.
The really sick thing is that you're far more likely to run into some of these bad boys then any of the ball shrivelers from last week. In fact, have fun the next time you go camping, or into your basement.
And just like with the last list I'm avoiding the more obvious suspects. Sure lions, bears and big cats are all dangerous, but monstrous? Scary? Not really. We'll stick with suckers that have at least an outside chance of staring in a SciFi Channel original movie. Don't forget to spit bullets if you've got something worse to sling our way.
Pretty simple reason for the name. This way too big ant has a bite that is described as equally painful to getting shot, if not more so. Or according to the Schmidt Sting Pain Index, "[The bite creates] waves of burning, throbbing, all-consuming pain that continues unabated for up to 24 hours." To make things even more fun, it's purported that they will fall on you from a tree, while shrieking. Then they'll bullet chomp your ass. Clearly nature hates us.
Snakes, like spiders, have so many possibilities to choose from. So why this bad boy? Well did you check out the double fang action it's rocking on either side of it's mouth? Then there's the fact that it is the world's largest and heaviest viper. And delivers the highest venom yield per bite of any poisonous snake. Did I mention the horn it has between its nostrils? Think you'll get a warning like from a Cobra or Rattlesnake? Sorry, they hunt by ambush.
I always thought it'd be cool to visit Asia, but this damn thing alone could make me change my mind. This hornet is about a 1/4 inch of unrepentant death with wings. It's sting can dissolve human tissue, kill even those not allergic to the venom, and releases a pheromone that attracts more of these suckers to come destroy your ass. But they don't like to kill with venom. They much prefer to bite their prey to death with powerful, painful mandibles that leave their typical prey a mass of separated body parts. A single JGH can take out upwards of 40 normal bees. In other words, if Chuck Norris was an insect, he'd be a Japanese Giant Hornet.
I hate parasites, and tapeworms are certainly some of the worst. But like Gage in PET SEMETARY, it's the infants of this species that will flat f*ck you up. The eggs get latched onto things like say, a housefly, and then when they sense the warmth of a human host just drop on down and burrow in. Wanna know how they latch on? You really don't, but I'm going to tell you any way. It's through the use of two small anal hooks. Yes, anal hooks with which they attach anywhere. Eye, arm, stomach, neck, brain, anywhere. With their anal hooks. Then they grow and eat and eventually (hopefully) drop from the host and continue the whole cycle all over again. Feeling a little itchy yet?
C'mon, it's got dragon in it's name. You knew it was coming right? And these are horrifying creatures. They primarily eat carrion, but are large, quick and stealthy hunters when necessary. Their bloody saliva is a mass of septic bacteria that can make a single bite deadly. And once they have their prey, they can swallow a creature as large as a goat whole. Not hardcore enough for you? If the swallowing process takes too long, they will ram into a tree to help force the animal down their throat...sometimes knocking over the tree in the process. One last thing. They've been observed intentionally startling a pregnant deer in order to cause a miscarriage, which they eat. Yeah.
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8:21AM on 10/25/2009