Top 10: Why Twilight Sucks #1

Strike Back below!

by: Matt Withers Nov. 19, 2009

With the opening of NEW MOON upon us, The Arrow encouraged me this week to tackle a TWILIGHT themed Top 10. Now I had studiously avoided the flick because everything that I'd heard about it made it clear that I probably wouldn't enjoy it. That said I felt no particular need to piss in fans coffee.

So going into it I was entertaining a list along the lines of Top 10 Best Twilight Moments, or Top 10 Reasons Twilight Doesn't Suck. I do so hate to pile on. I figured as popular as the movie is, it'd probably just not be my cup of tea, but have plenty of good stuff I could give it credit for.

Then I watched this steaming pile of shite and was left absolutely gobsmacked that not only could a major release be so incompetently done, but that the rabid fanbase of the franchise didn't demand the heads of the creative forces behind it for putting such a shoddy production of their beloved book on the big screen. I've got my shotgun baby, and both barrels are loaded. Let's do this!

WARNING - UNHAPPY TWILIGHT FANS GENERATED BELOW!

10. THE SOUNDTRACK

The music was clearly picked solely to create an album that the target audience could sit around and feel morosely romantic about. It's so bad and unsuited to the tone of the film that it actively makes awful scenes worse. It's the most cynically put together soundtrack I've ever encountered.

9. THE BASEBALL

What? The? F*CK!!?? Baseball? F*cking baseball? Vampires love to play baseball, but only when there's a storm because the epic sound of their bats needs thunder to cover it. This is so fundamentally retarded that I find myself unable to bother with explaining why it is so. Like people who believe in Creationism over Evolution. I'm not going to argue with you because you have an indefensible and illogical position. I'm not going to give your opinion merit by addressing it. Vampires playing baseball is f*cking stupid and the storm cover bullshite makes it even worse. Period.

8. THE 2-D CHARACTERS

Why did it take two hours for me to learn f*ckall about these nimrods. Edward is all glowery and shite. Bella likes to bite her lip like it's made out of, well, Edward. These are shallower leads then the ones in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. Thank God for a relatively solid supporting cast, because even though no one in this film is developed to a degree that has even a passing resemblance to interesting, some of the edge players make it seem as if there's something going on behind their eyes. Nothing that's developed mind you, but it does offer some small comfort while suffering through the film's meandering journey to nowhere.

7. THE EDITING

(def.) Continuity - 1 a: uninterrupted connection, succession, or union; b: uninterrupted duration or continuation especially without essential change.

I just wanted to throw that out there for the editor, because they have no current relationship with the concept. The number of times that two-shots cut between Bella and Edward, only to return to one of them with a completely different expression on their face, defies belief. Then we also get inexplicable moving third person views intermixed with intimate closeups (when Bella says Edward is a vampire out loud for the first time is the most striking offender). This has to be a strong contender for worst editing, at least in a major release, of all time.

6. THE DIALOGUE

Let's take a tour through some of my favorite lines.

1 - You're not in Phoenix anymore. Yeah, because when I think of dangerous terrain, Washington State is much scarier than Arizona.

2 - Hold on tight, spider monkey. What? Wait...what?

3 - You need to see what I look like in the sunlight. She does? Why? She's a teenage girl and you sparkle like diamonds dude. How do you imagine that's a bad thing to her. If sunlight gave you really bad acne then you might have something to worry about. But as it is, this is one more instance of non-sensical self-loathing. Hell, if I was dating a chick with skin like that I'd do nothing but look for opportunities to have sex outside.

4 - And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. Oh where to begin. First of all, are vampires really using Christian metaphors in their love life these days? Just wondering.

Even if they are though, Jesus is the lion AND the lamb, so the metaphor doesn't make any f*cking sense unless Bella and Edward are supposed to represent Christ falling in love with himself, which seems a bit egotistical for the Son of God. Meyer seems to be pathologically attracted to dialogue that kinda sounds good on first blush, but is either blatantly stupid or just doesn't make any sense.

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!

Source: AITH