Top 10: Why Twilight Sucks #2
With the opening of NEW MOON upon us, The Arrow encouraged me this week to tackle a TWILIGHT themed Top 10. Now I had studiously avoided the flick because everything that I'd heard about it made it clear that I probably wouldn't enjoy it. That said I felt no particular need to piss in fans coffee.
So going into it I was entertaining a list along the lines of Top 10 Best Twilight Moments, or Top 10 Reasons Twilight Doesn't Suck. I do so hate to pile on. I figured as popular as the movie is, it'd probably just not be my cup of tea, but have plenty of good stuff I could give it credit for.
Then I watched this steaming pile of shite and was left absolutely gobsmacked that not only could a major release be so incompetently done, but that the rabid fanbase of the franchise didn't demand the heads of the creative forces behind it for putting such a shoddy production of their beloved book on the big screen. I've got my shotgun baby, and both barrels are loaded. Let's do this!
Man, I thought the F/X in WOLVERINE sucked this summer. But whoo boy did TWILIGHT take the crown for shoddy, downright embarrassing CGI. Everything that involved vampire powers, save perhaps when Edward saves Bella from the van, looks like it was done on a Mac for a YouTube video. The glittering hardly stands out, the scampering up trees looks like a draft storyboard of a concept. and Edward's manic jumping around continually draws attention to how poorly it's done. Utter, epic fail.
I think Hardwicke has so far shown herself to have talent, although I'm not sold on her being the next big thing by any means. Whether or not you've already appointed her an auteur, her eye was a colossal stylistic mismatch for the story being told. Hers is a world of off angles, hand held cameras, and edge, dammit. Edge! TWILIGHT is a world where all the edges have been safely rounded off for the riskless consumption of impressionable, and none to picky, teen audiences. They just don't work together.
This one scene does an outstanding job of summing up all the weaknesses of TWILIGHT. We've got Edward at his most mood swingy, while literally swinging through trees. Which gives us a seemingly unending look at the awful visual F/X. His speech is full of all the bluster, ego and self-hatred that you'd expect from a goth teen, but the problem with that is he only looks like a teenager. He's actually a very old man. Imagine your grandfather acting that immature and non-committal and then tell me how dreamy he seems. If I was a fan, this scene alone would have had me storming Summit Entertainment with torches and pitchforks.
I've touched on this earlier, but holy shite the lack of acting talent in this was amazing. Our two leads together manage to generate only one moment of real chemistry in the whole damn movie (the kiss). Outside of that it's just watching a girl who's a bit of a pill obsessing for no apparent reason over a boy who is some sort of bi-polar assh*le in clown makeup. Pattinson in particular gives the worst lead performance I think I've ever seen in a major studio release. And Stewart, while talented, spends way too much time acting with her lower lip in her teeth. I also couldn't live with myself if I didn't point out that Cam Gigandet makes the least intimidating vampire I've ever seen. Dammit! Even the bad guys are sanitized to ballessness in this f*cking film. I was psyched to see SharkBoy as Jacob, though.
Why do the vampires in this have random super powers? He can read minds! She sees the future! This one has lethal senses (if you figure that one out please let me know). Apparently Meyer is a big fan of HEROES, but feels no fidelity at all to the mythology of the creature she chose to write about. Of course, the inexplicable fascination with baseball has already been covered. And I say inexplicable not because a vampire shouldn't like baseball, but because it's not set up by the story. It's just dropped on us, which is doubly damaging when you're departing from established or expected lore.
Which brings us to the glittering skin. The stupid f*cking glittering skin. It seems moronic on the surface, and is. Apparently this is an author with the imagination of a 10 year-old girl. I expect her office is covered in sparkles and Highlights stickers given the lack of maturity and depth in her work. But the real problem here is that, again without explanation or development, the vampires aversion to sunlight is changed from demonic to angelic. Vampires burst into flame in sunlight because they are evil creatures of darkness, sin personified, and they cannot stand the purifying light of day. Having them f*cking sparkle makes them angelic. But making that leap only works if you set it up, and if you don't have your protagonist emo-ing all over the damn place about what a hell bound monster he is. Just pure stupid wrapped up in stupid with a creamy stupid filling.
Source: AITH
2:11PM on 11/24/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
The books are not as bad (still bad) and you'd never call them intellectually stimulating...trust me.
The books are not as bad (still bad) and you'd never call them intellectually stimulating...trust me.
10:31AM on 11/22/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
8:34PM on 11/21/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
If teenage girls didn't exist, these movies wouldn't make enough to buy toilet paper.
On the other hand, wanna make money, make a film with emo kids, give em some random super powers, and put lots of sparkly things in it, and see you at the bank.
If teenage girls didn't exist, these movies wouldn't make enough to buy toilet paper.
On the other hand, wanna make money, make a film with emo kids, give em some random super powers, and put lots of sparkly things in it, and see you at the bank.
8:48AM on 11/21/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
8:44AM on 11/21/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
I guess the positive thing to come of this is the backlash from movie-makers wanting to make vampires more into the predatory bloodsuckers they originally were and les...
I guess the positive thing to come of this is the backlash from movie-makers wanting to make vampires more into the predatory bloodsuckers they originally were and less the sexy and mopy emo bitches that they became once Anne Rice entered the scene.
LET THE RIGHT ONE IN > TWILIGHT
2:19PM on 11/20/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
The one thing I did like was when they ripped Cam Gigandet's head off. Oh, and ev...
The one thing I did like was when they ripped Cam Gigandet's head off. Oh, and everything before the vampires even show up was decent corn.
9:46AM on 11/20/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
7:10AM on 11/20/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
6:43AM on 11/20/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
I cant stand even the previews for New Moon, but when you have a wife and a bunch of friends going, you dont say no, I'm sure it wont be too bad, at least its a sold out show and those are usual...
I cant stand even the previews for New Moon, but when you have a wife and a bunch of friends going, you dont say no, I'm sure it wont be too bad, at least its a sold out show and those are usually a lot of fun to be at, we'll see how horrible this turns out in about 12 hours from now :)
But great list and I agree with most of it for sure, being a hardcore horror fan, this is just a slap in the face really of everything Vampires have been, thank the maker we are getting Daybreakers here pretty soon.....
6:12AM on 11/20/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
6:50AM on 11/20/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
4:32AM on 11/20/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
1:50AM on 11/20/2009 Add as a friend | MFC profile
But yes, that damn glittering BS is so insanely stupid, that was the funniest moment of the film easily!
But yes, that damn glittering BS is so insanely stupid, that was the funniest moment of the film easily!