Top 10: Worst Sequels #2
Oct. 5, 2007
Any horror flick that does moderately well at the box office is going to get a sequel, sometimes even a whole franchise. It's no surprise since horror flicks are cheap to produce and horror fans are very loyal. If we like the way a bad guy mutilates some peeps, we'll keep coming back again and again to watch the massacre continue.
We don't really ask for much from these sequels, and usually the studio provides just enough to satisfy. Is it great quality? Most of the time no, but that's OK because it's fun!
Except for those times when the quality or the concept disrespects, ignores, or flat out destroys the beloved source material. Then we have a problem because the studio, like a good hooker, is supposed to pretend to want what we want. Sure, we both know that's utter shite, but without that illusion there's just no reason to bother.
So sit back and enjoy a trek through the inane, the ridiculous, and the just plain disappointing. Then do your duty and Spit Bullets on the POS's that got you boiling.
The title problems are legendary here because they didn't do it last summer anymore. They did it the summer before last. Besides, if you've had a maniac trying to kill you is it likely that he needs to remind you that he "still" knows? I think the "I Know" message of the first pic would come across loud and clear. And in keeping with the dumb, non-sensical title we get a movie that is full of stupid dumbness that treads on the fun of the original. Even Hewitt's titanic rack can't save this sinking ship.
Jason's a what? Wait, he's got a sister? Did I walk into the wrong f*cking movie? Because if not then the most ferocious hockey mask wearing psycho in history has been broken down to a body-jumping slug. Oh God, they really did it. And he's the brother of Buck Rogers girlfriend? Honestly his sibling could have been Tweekie and I'd have been less disturbed.
It's right there in the title, and no it's not the Brody family that's trying to seek out Jaws. The shark itself is the revenge seeker. Like Hamlet...but with fins...oh, and no f*cking cognitive capacity to be a revenge seeking being! On top of that the shark looks like shite. After Jaws 3-D I doubt anyone was expecting a return to greatness, but this sucker dropped trou and dumped a Cleveland Steamer right on the franchise.
No Michael Myers. Some folks like to say that the movie is a guilty pleasure, to which I reply, no Michael Myers. There are some awesome deaths in it aren't there? Yes, but no Michael Myers. Is there anything that can be said to defend this movie as anything other than a colossal mistake? No...because there's no Michael Myers.
Great cast. Interesting director. A chance to go more in depth concerning one of the scariest stories ever told on screen. The result? A total, complete, Ishtar-like failure. It's almost embarrassing to watch how completely so much talent can suck ass. I imagine that Satan felt pretty good that he was let off the hook for this affront to sequels, horror films, and grasshoppers everywhere. Pazuzu can lick my balls.
11:58PM on 10/09/2007