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Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
 
   
 Directed by: Joseph Sargent
 Starring: Lorraine Gary/Ellen
Lance Guest/Michael
Mario Van Peebles/Jake
Michael Caine/Hoagie
     
RATING

PLOT-CRUNCH:


One fed up grey condom-like rubber shark decides to hunt down the remaining Brody family members. When Ellen Brody (Gary) hits the Bahamas after the death of her son, the freakin' shark balloon follows her there (ambitious little bugger) and starts causing a ruckus. Somebody is smoking waaaaaaaaay to much reefer (cough, cough…screenwriter…cough).
  

THE LOWDOWN:


Maybe the biggest disservice I could’ve done to this floating turd is to watch it back to back with the original "Jaws". I’m sure that it came across as worse than it might be, since it followed Spielberg’s well-constructed classic. At about 20 minutes in, I figured out that laughing at the flick was probably the way to go if I wanted to remotely enjoy myself and not shoot myself in the head. It somewhat worked!

Even though I wound up laughing my ass off with this mess on a "so bad, it's amusing" level, don’t misunderstand me boys and girls...this movie still sucks monkey dicks! Where do I begin? Is it the lame opening credits that scream TV MOVIE OF THE WEEK! Is it the bland "point and shoot" directing, is it the incredibly absurd premise of a shark with a personal agenda (is he related to the sharks in Jaws 1-2-3, why is the goldfish so pissed?) or is it Michael Caine showing us how long he can go without blinking and making an ass of himself (loved the dance sequence…lol)? Well, it’s all of that and then some.

Not only does this movie sport the silliest looking rubber shark I’ve ever seen (where did the budget go, hookers for Mr. Caine?), it also had more holes in it than a used up crack whore. This script is just a bad idea on all fronts. Let’s start with: has the whole Brody family forgotten what happened in the three previous films? I guess so. That would explain why they all still live by the water and how one of their sons is a marine biologist. Hello! YOU HAVE BAD LUCK WITH SHARKS AND THE OCEAN! WASN’T JAWS 3-D ENOUGH TO CONVINCE YA'LL? Get into construction or something and move to New York already! Having gotten that off my knife, here’s more script vomits I picked up while on this idiotic swim.

How do I ridicule thee? Let me count the ways: 1) I didn’t know sharks roared like Circus lions 2) If I’d want to get away from the water, the last place I’d fly to is the damn Bahamas 3) Is it me or did that shark get to the Bahamas like...way too fast? What did he do? Hitchhike there? 4) How can Ms. Brody have flashbacks of scenes from the first "Jaws" if she wasn't in that one? Is she related to psychic Miss Cleo? 5) Are all sharks able to stand in an upright position in the water like freaking seals as they attack their prey? Can it do back flips too? COME ON! 6) Did you know that if you impale a shark, it blows up instantly? (I wish that would be true in regards to my ex-girlfriend) And 7) how the fuck and I mean…HOW THE FUCK can a man who’s been heavily chewed up by a shark for a long period of time and then dragged underwater, not only survive the attack with minor scratches, but also feel the need to crack bad jokes afterwards? IMPOSSIBLE and downright RIDICULOUS! I guess Trojan-Shark had a crush on the dude and just took him for a romantic underwater swim. Tag to that some corny dialogue, a tacky score, a slow pace, the film’s habit of re-using the same shark attack shots more than once, Caine’s boring “funny” stories and the "che-ching" sound I heard every time his silly head popped up on screen...and you get one massive stinker.

Do I have anything good to say about this trout? Well, I’ll give Lorraine Gary (Ellen) this; she actually turns in a fine performance. She takes her role seriously and delivers. Unfortunately, it’s in such a putrid, amateurish flick. I also dug some of the Bahamas scenery (made me want to take another vacation) and the Banana Boat attack sequence was fun in a guilty pleasure sort of way. Having said that, this third sequel is not only an insult to the original "Jaws" but also an insult to GOOD filmmakers around the world. It’s not even TV Movie of the week quality! It’s not even a fucking T-Shirt! It’s a wipe your ass with the box-cover and mail it to your worst enemy type of opus. The screenwriter and director should be ashamed of themselves. And I should slap myself silly for actually finding some kind of twisted pleasure in this crud. Say no to drugs kids!
    

ACTING:


Lorraine Gary (Ellen) does well and holds her own. Too bad it’s in this crapfest. Lance Guest (Michael) looks like Dennis Miller and does ok. Mario Van Peebles (Jake) delivers the worst Jamaican accent I’ve ever heard. He’s a charming fellow though. Karen Young (Carla) has some poor dialogue to work with and comes out of this looking bad. Michael Caine (Hoagie) cashes in that check….AGAIN!
 

GORE:


Two people die in this flick. One has his arms chewed off; the other gets chewed by the plastic shark. Yes, there’s blood.
   

T & A:


The ladies get some dudes shirtless and we get a naked shark.
   

DIRECTING:


The slickest thing Sargent pulled off here is having the water go over the camera during the shark POV shots. Other than that, it's TV movie time: bland, generic and lifeless. Don’t even think of the word “tension” while watching this! It doesn’t exist in Sargent’s world. Can he even spell the word?
   

SOUNDTRACK:


We get a tacky score, bad pop/rock songs and John Williams’ classic Jaws theme that pops up on occasion.
   

BOTTOM LINE:


I gave this flick one and a half stars cause Lorraine Gary rocks and the film is so stupid that it can be entertaining. I mean, I laughed SOOOO much and that is worth something. But have no doubts, even the plastic shark looks embarrassed to be on this boat. If you’re able to forget the first two Jaws movies and put yourself in a silly-willy mood before hitting this one, you might just have a gnarly time for all the very wrong reasons. To be franc, the brief JAWS Universal Studio Tour is a more satisfying experience than this flick and that ride blows! Mr. Screenwriter, please pass the bong, you selfish bastard...I want some of what you’re toking!!!!
 

BULL'S EYE:


The movie was released in 2 versions: one where Jake survives at the end (the one I saw) and one with Jake dying (which makes more sense).

The shot where the headless shark sinks underwater is actually a scene from the original "Jaws" that they re-used for this fourth entry. How low can you go?

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The Way The Arrow Points...

   
 I’d BUTCHER my family to see this again
 HANG me but I dug it a lot
 An ok way to KILL two hours
 Just sling an ARROW in my head and let me die in peace

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