Maybe the biggest disservice I
could’ve done to this floating turd is to watch it back to back with the
original "Jaws". I’m sure that it came
across as worse than it might be, since it followed
Spielberg’s well-constructed classic. At about 20 minutes in, I figured out that laughing at the flick
was probably the way to go if I wanted to remotely enjoy myself and not
shoot myself in the head. It somewhat worked!
Even though I wound up laughing
my ass off with this mess on a "so bad, it's amusing" level, don’t
misunderstand me boys and girls...this movie still sucks monkey dicks! Where do I
begin? Is it the lame opening credits that scream TV MOVIE OF THE WEEK! Is
it the bland "point and shoot" directing, is it the incredibly absurd
premise of a shark with a personal agenda (is he related to the sharks in
Jaws 1-2-3, why is the goldfish so pissed?) or is it Michael Caine showing
us how long he can go without blinking and making an ass of himself (loved
the dance sequence…lol)? Well, it’s all of that and then some.
Not only does this movie sport
the silliest looking rubber shark I’ve ever seen (where did the budget
go, hookers for Mr. Caine?), it also had more holes in it than a used up
crack whore. This script is just a bad idea on all fronts. Let’s start
with: has the whole Brody family forgotten what happened in the three
previous films? I guess so. That would explain why they all still live by
the water and how one of their sons is a marine biologist. Hello! YOU HAVE
BAD LUCK WITH SHARKS AND THE OCEAN! WASN’T JAWS 3-D ENOUGH TO CONVINCE YA'LL? Get into construction or something and move to New York already!
Having gotten that off my knife, here’s more script vomits I picked up
while on this idiotic swim.
How do I ridicule thee? Let me
count the ways: 1) I didn’t know sharks roared like Circus lions 2) If
I’d want to get away from the water, the last place I’d fly to is the
damn Bahamas 3) Is it me or did that shark get to the Bahamas like...way too
fast? What did he do? Hitchhike there? 4) How can Ms. Brody have flashbacks of scenes from the first
"Jaws" if she wasn't in that one? Is she related to psychic Miss Cleo? 5) Are all sharks able to stand in an upright position in the water
like freaking seals as they attack their prey? Can it do back flips too?
COME ON! 6) Did you know that if you impale a shark, it blows up instantly?
(I wish that would be true in regards to my ex-girlfriend) And 7) how the
fuck and I mean…HOW THE FUCK can a man who’s been heavily chewed up by a
shark for a long period of time and then dragged underwater, not only
survive the attack with minor scratches, but also feel the need to crack
bad jokes afterwards? IMPOSSIBLE
and downright RIDICULOUS! I guess Trojan-Shark had a crush on the dude and just took him for
a romantic underwater swim. Tag to that some corny dialogue, a tacky
score, a slow pace, the film’s habit of re-using the same shark attack
shots more than once, Caine’s boring “funny” stories and the "che-ching" sound I heard every time his silly head popped up on screen...and you get one massive stinker.
have anything good to say about this trout? Well, I’ll give Lorraine Gary
(Ellen) this; she actually turns in a fine performance. She takes her role
seriously and delivers. Unfortunately, it’s in such a putrid, amateurish
flick. I also dug some of the Bahamas scenery (made me want to take
another vacation) and the Banana Boat attack sequence was fun in a guilty
pleasure sort of way. Having said that, this third sequel is not only an insult to the
original "Jaws" but also an insult to GOOD filmmakers around the world.
It’s not even TV Movie of the week quality! It’s not even a fucking
T-Shirt! It’s a wipe your ass with the box-cover and mail it to your
worst enemy type of opus. The screenwriter and director should be
ashamed of themselves. And I should slap myself silly for actually finding
some kind of twisted pleasure in this crud. Say
no to drugs kids!