The UK- made "Long Time Dead" has done its US horror homework, that’s for sure. It borrows from "Witchboard" and "Wishmaster", while at the same time tossing every old hat trick and recent teen horror trend at us. You bet the score crescendos like Christina Aguilera having an orgasm during the stalk sequences and rest assured that there’s not only the now token “kid with a digital cam glued to his freaking hand” in this playpen, but also the now requisite "whodunit" going on. If the word formulaic comes to mind, you’re on the right track.

But this tweaker’s worst flaw was definitely its “duh” script which tossed all kinds of teen characters our way, but never took the time to properly introduce most of them at a satisfactory depth. Result? I didn’t give booya about anybody. I was like: “There’s goes another hot babe” or “Rest in pieces token hunk #3” or "Wow, Lare Belmont’s lips look yummy!” These were victims, not characters. The script also went lazy on my ass by not even remotely trying to avoid the usual easy genre pitfalls. Yes, you guessed it; most of these monkeys always made the most inane moves, insulting my slight intelligence in the process. I don’t know about you guys, but if I even have the slightest hunch that a peeved spirit is after my skin, there’s no way in hell that I’m going down to that dark apartment to tackle a freaking burnt fuse. I'd rather hit the Middle East, where it's safer. What’s wrong with these people?

Another major qualm I had was that much like a virgin with a three-inch dildo, the film just played things too damn safe. For example, it is suggested that these kids are high on ecstasy (the sex drug) but none of them act high, look high or even display any sex drive. The flick also put a condom on during its death scenes; most of which were suggested, instead of graphically shown. In a film of this nature...that’s a "no-no" on my slab. I wanted to see these peeps die atrociously! I mean, isn’t that supposed to be the reward for enduring these dimwitted twits throughout? I guess getting that rating down so all the kiddies could go see the movie was the main motivation here instead of delivering the real goods.

Lastly, there’s the “bah” ending which much like a six-month old Big Mac, didn’t go down too well. I’m still farting that cap-off out of my system as we speak. Was that due to the sloppy writing, the ho-hum execution or the moronic CGI cat eyes? It was all of that daddy-o...and then some! Once the culprit is revealed, the film took a “tacky” path and I couldn’t take it seriously anymore. The slight grip the film had on me up to that point was released for the last act and yes, I groaned incessantly while viewing it.

Having spat all that venom, I won’t deny that I still got a couple of sweet wet kisses from this loose dame. Director Marcus Adams thankfully managed to serve up a couple of tasty, tense and inventive stalk sequences that kept me on my toes. The mucho polished snazzy images, the slick editing and the gnarly techno music in the house also encouraged me to stay engaged on some level. There’s nothing like sharp visual style to sweeten up a sour drink. Tag to that, the well-handled whodunit that surprisingly kept me guessing, a quick pace that made sitting through it all quite effortless and an absorbing back-story about a bunch of Satan lovers that gave the narrative a couple of much needed twists, and you get a dumb and hollow genre snack that in spite of all its shortcomings, still succeeded in being entertaining on some level.

Marcus Adams was a member of the band Meat Beat Manifesto, and directed most of their music videos.

Marcus Adams also directed a 30-minute short of the same title.