Three loser duders right out from under mommy's skirt move into some tight crib in the Hollywood hills. They then throw a party in the name of nabbing some p-u-s-s-y and find out the hard way that the pad is a portal to hell and the devil wants to play KILL with the guests.
Bobby Englund aka Freddy Krueger aka Robert Englund aka a GREAT man, hasn’t directed a flick since the uneven, yet still pretty tight 976 EVIL in 1988. So it was with a King Kong boner that I waited for his directorial follow up to be put out. KILLER PAD was all over the web when it was in pre-prod but then – flatline – it fell off the radar. So I was colored green and called the Green Giant when I was strolling down some video store aisle and fell upon it. First thought: It got released!!!! When did that happen!!! Second thought: Let’s bring the bitch home and teach her a lesson she won’t soon forget.
Now that I’ve seen the movie, I somewhat understand why KILLER PAD got the back-hand treatment as to distribution. On the upside; I quickly got used to and got down with its over the top acting style (reminiscent of them old drive in- B Movies) and respected its “Animal House’ for the horror genre ambitions. I mean it was all there; sizzling hot chicks left, right and center, groovy sight gags (yes midgets be in he house) and out of line toilet humor dialogue smacking me in the face and getting cheap giggles out of me. Even the “has beens/never were” cameos (Joey Lawrence, Bobby Lee, Lin Shaye) stroked me the right way. The flick had a swift pace, spastic visuals and a “lets have a good time” attitude that I semi got into. So what was the problem then?
Well, the whole was akin to hitting a strip club where the lassies don’t show boobies or clam. What’s the point then? Or like two hot chicks inviting you to their place at 4 in the morning after a night of clubbing to... play MARIO BROTHERS. It doesn't make any sense! For a film of KILLER PAD’s M.O. (laughs inclined exploitation) you NEED tits and gore. And for reasons that are still foreign to me, this f*ck nut basically ducked the nudity and barely addressed the gore. So again. What’s the point? Why make a smutty, in the gutter horror comedy if you’re not gonna deliver the goods? It’s like shooting THE TERMINATOR without the violence, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET without the nightmares, DEBBIE DOES DALLAS without Debbie doing Dallas like she f*cking should! IT’S A FUCKING WASTE!
On top of that, it was so obvious that this flick didn’t get all its coverage during production. They did their best in Post prod to make it stream forward in a coherent fashion but they failed. The chain of events was choppy, confusing and if I see one more cutaway I’ll home-made circumcise away what’s left of my foreskin.
With that stabbed; the acting was tight all around, the babes mucho babeliscious and you can see that everybody was into it…having a good time. Alas that wasn’t enough to save the flick from the “could’ve been” syndrome. It could’ve been AWESOME, instead of passable and shoddily put together. At the end of the kill and the tramp-stamp spraying, KILLER PAD let me down and I wouldn’t recommend it to anybody sober i.e. get trashed before watching this one and you might milk some fun out of it (I kind of did and yes I got wrecked) or don’t bother. PARTY TIME???? Maybe…
Other than one fly slit throat, pretty much NA and THING. WTF?????!!!!!
Daniel Franzese (Doug) played the token fat dude to a F (for fat dude). Eric Jungmann (Craig) is a funny dude (see Mosnter Man) and here was no exception. Shane McRae (Brody) came accross as a mugging Dewan Sawa aka ALL GOOD! Emily Foxler (Lucy) looked hot, acted hot and had fun with the role. SOLD!
Hot dames were plenty in this flick! Like all kinds! We even get a twat to twat make out bit. Corri English (such an Arrow approved - my type!) and Emily Foxler in particular had my screwdriver written all over them. Alas not ONE tit shot ever arose, not ONE! I think that's a crime in some states.
Booby K helmed this flashy bad boy with energy and falir. Too bad the shoddy editing or/and the lack of coverage played against him.
Straight up, I don't remember. It didn't mark me one way or another.
KILLER PAD was funny (well to me anyways, humor is subjective), fast paced, flashy and filled to the brim with sly sight gags and hot babes that I’d pay a nickel a pop to pop! Any flick that whips out the catholic schoolgirl get-up in terms of some of its female eye candy has it crotch in the right place. Unfortunately, the flick played it WAYYYYY too safe for what it was. No gore, no nudity???!!! COME ON! That’s just wrong within a film of this ilk. And the fact that BIG CHUNKS were obviously missing from the narrative (lack of coverage) didn’t help matters either. Conclusion? Get drunk to watch it, don’t watch it at all, get laid instead or get drunk to watch it. Up to you! I just work here.
Episode #32
