Edward (Pattinson) dumps Bella (Stewart) because its “what’s best for her”; so Bella sulks, rebounds with GYM ANIMAL Jacob (Lautner), sulks some more, some shit happens and then more shit happens, then she sulks again – roll credits.

NEW MOON is a cultural phenomenon. I’m not reviewing the phenomenon, I’m reviewing the film. Yeah, I’m not the target audience for this film but with that, I’m not some stone cold heartless prick ALL THE TIME either. I dig a good love story too; LEGENDS OF THE FALL, LOVE STORY and UNTAMED HEART are three flawed mushy-mush-mush films I dig on. So this review is NOT coming from somebody put-off by romance. To be honest the hype surrounding the first TWILIGHT got on my nerves, same buildup happened with NEW MOON but I didn’t care this time – I got broken in by the first film, its how its gonna be, it s how its gonna be, fine. Am now happy that young girls have something to fixate on much like when I went full on fanboy on GI JOE and Transformers as a teen. All good. Too bad all the propaganda on this round was for the bloated drivel that was NEW MOON.

What’s wrong with NEW MOON? Let’s start with Bella. WTF is this girl’s problem? Like really! Does this chick have other interests than her romance with Edward? Does she have hobbies, goals in life, does she like B-Ball, hockey or/and masturbating with her left hand? I wouldn’t know. I find it hilarious that the one-note characterized Bella is considered a heroine when from this dude‘s point of view she’s the last girl I’d ever date. Obsessive and lacking the ability to FUNCTION without some dude to crutch on. That’s SAD! Is that the message we’re sending out to young chicks out there? You get dumped, so rebound fast cause without a man at your side, you’re nothing? Sheesh! Well that’s the bulk of the meat I got out of NEW MOON, a badly plotted, overlong and uber superficial essay in idealistic love (without the meat to back it up) and pad in the clock-time bullshit. If NEW MOON is faithful to the book than the book is the equivalent of the now yellow-ish colored tissue I blew my nose in 5 seconds ago. This sequel made me appreciate TWILIGHT on an all new level. That movie OWNS compared to this DOA follow up.

Let’s start the ass whopping with the “together, forever or else” love that Bella and Edward shared. I was not sold on it in this second installment. Not sure if it was the script’s failure at conveying the deep rooted affection these two shared in a REALISTIC manner, the cheesy Harlequin novel dialogue or if it was the actors that were there solely to cash an easy check (Yeah Pattinson I mean you bro, nothing wrong with that, buy me a beer and get me some hoes already! You got the dough!) but I just didn’t believe in it. So with that gone, the heart of the story if you will, what did I have left to hold on to? Not much. So for the first hour and a half or so of this 2 hour plus crapola epic all that was spit out was Bella being a sour puss, seeing Edward visions left and right while she rebounded with goodie-goodie, he’s hit the Gym Jacob. Granted some more interesting subplots were tossed into the mix – like bitter vamp Victoria wanting revenge, Jacob coming to grasp with his wolf changing ways and the forever shirtless wolf-pack (aka bad actors mugging for the camera) looming about emanating quasi threat – but hey man, not enough time was spent on these INTERESTING side stories to make them worthwhile. So what was the point? Yup, the bulk of the first and hour and a half was about Bella brooding and personally that does NOT equal fun times at the movies for me.

Now, I bitch slapped the Bella character earlier, but let me bust Jacob’s balls a bit. Bro, you’re a young, fit and charismatic dude that can get any piece of tail ya want, why the f*ck you gonna mess yourself up pining for a broad who obviously doesn’t want ya and is just using ya as emotional filler? Have a little self respect bro. Be a man. You turn into wolf for fucks sakes. A cuddly, wanna take it for a stroll, go lie down and be a good boy wolf but one none the less. How cool is that? All that to say, I didn’t accept Edward’s fixation on the okay looking and flawed person that is Bella and I definitely didn’t get Jacobs jumping on the MUST HAVE Bella wagon either. Maybe that’s because I like together, independent and strong women. Not whiny, needy, I’m nothing without a partner leeches. But hey who knows who cares. So after an hour and half of Bella is sad and craves for Edward with a couple of distractions included for good measure, one last plot turn was tossed my way, one having to do with Edward and his fate. And the execution of that said plot turn was so half- assed that I couldn’t get into it. It made no logical sense. I’ve never seen anybody decide on such a drastic action and somebody else get from here to Rome so damn quickly in my life. You trying to sell me on this? F*ck you! I aint buying!

As the last block unraveled, some nifty CG inclined fights were served and everything came to a close, and all I kept think was, all this for what? Some dame who likes to bite her lower lip and who’s hung up on some dude that dumped her. Not enough to justify over 2 hours of my life wasted. To be fair, I will give New Moon this: it had a glossier Hollywood look to it than Twilight. Personally though, I dug the visual edge Twilight had more as it watered down the sap, here, the sap was embraced and barfing on my Habs shirt was the result. Also big props to to cast who handled itself fairly well. Taylor Lautner in particular impressed me acting wise and for what he pulled off physically. Dude was a skinny mofo in Part 1 and here he’s a buff badass. He hit the Gym hard to get the role and then serve it and I respect him for that big time. And man did I get lots of un-intentional laughs out of this one. You haven’t lived till you’ve seen a girl try to break up a fight between a pasty white clown and a cutesy, must-pet looking wolf-man. What an odd sight! One that had me pissing my pants! And thank Crom for Ashley Green and her character of Alice. She was pretty much the only character that made any sense to me and the screen came ALIVE when she popped up. Moreover, the casting of Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning was much appreciated. Even though their screen time was limited, they brought an ounce of class to the film. Finally the CGI was pretty good. Sure I laughed every time a pop-the-werewolf transformation happened but hey it was still well done, so kudos for that.

As I ran out of the theater, my memory of NEW MOON's was one of an overlong film about not much. It could’ve been an overlong film about a love triangle, a man dealing with being a werewolf, a vampire government ruling the fanged world and some vamp bitch out for revenge. Alas the flick was more interested in WASTING TIME on a young girl’s self pitying depression and I personally didn't see the entertainment in that. ECLIPSE better be great because NEW MOON bored hard and blew harder!

There’s an actual beheading here! WOW! Didn’t see that one coming! Other than that and random blood, not much if anything.

Anybody who loves men will get their due desserts. The wolf pack is always shirtless, once Jacob takes off his shirt he never bothers putting it back on and even Edward gets in the mix going the shirtless, pants pulled way down to show his shit way. Yes when I got home I watched HOURS of lesbian porn to wash the cock heavy butter this flick double dipped in.

NEW MOON was INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE all wrong! It was a badly structured and fairly boring look at a girl NOT coping too well with getting her dependent ass dumped and how she rebounds with a guy who can do a BAZILLION TIMES better than her. The genuine teen angst, the earnest romantic flavor, the conflict and edge of the original was gone here, so all I had left was lots of unintentional laughs, thoughts put forward as to my imminent end of the week grocery list of the week and mucho awe as to how a screenplay this weak can get produced. Sure the flick was well candy shot, the CGI was on the money, the A-list supporting cast came through and Taylor Lautner got my points for achieving so much as to his body in such a short time. But on the whole; NEW MOON was a mammoth waste of time. Lots of nothing going on with constant hints of how well rounded and fulfilling it could’ve been. Bummer, after TWILIGHT took me aback in not sucking that much, I actually went in there wanting to like this follow up. Didn’t happen. F*ck NEW MOON! And Bella? GET OVER IT ALREADY! DAMN!

Taylor Launtner gained 26 pounds of muscles to lock the role in New Moon.

"New Moon" is Robert Pattinson's favorite book in the Twilight series.

Bryce Dallas Howard takes over Rachelle Lefevre's role of Victoria in David Slade's The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

SULK OVER THE NEW MOON SITE HERE