After that fall from the "Empire State Building", our friendly ape is in bad shape. It’s up to a team of scientists, lead by "killer legs" doctor Amy (Hamilton) to save his baboon butt by giving him a heart transplant. But in order to give him the metal heart he needs a blood transfusion (or some bull like that) and Kong is the only one of his species…WRONG. In a far away jungle some "Indiana Jones" wannabe named Hank (Kerwin) discovers a Kong broad. They bring her to the city in order to get the blood and faster than you can say "horny" stud Kong smells that nanny and nothing will get in his way of attaining it. Sex is in the air.

This movie is basically a love story between two giant gorillas. We get to see them "play house", smooch, exchange googly eyes and all that sap. The question is: Do I care about a romantic movie starring two apes. NO I DON'T. I want gore, I want action, I want suspense…I get two gorillas flirting…urgh. Kong does do minor damage here and there, he chews a few rednecks (why aren’t they scared of him, he’s a giant ape you morons), he eats a couple of fake alligators, he storms a golf course, steps on a hot car and even crashes a "square dance". And then there’s always the army…a couple of soldiers get it, the one dimensional general meets his doom…what this movie needed was a "darker" edge, instead it plunges into the "puppy dogs and ice cream" mold. I need more ketchup on my hot dog, specially when giant monkeys are involved. Lets plunge our hand in it’s chest and rip it’s tin can heart out…

The heart transplant scene is pretty squishy. Kong eats a couple of rubber alligators, stomps on one guy, rips another one in two and bites the head off some poor white trash. The violence is pretty cartoon like because the effects are weak. Better luck next time.

In the original (the remake) "Jessica Lange was the dumb blonde. In this one it’s Brian Kerwin (Hank). Looks wise he’s a cross between an ugly "Bill Pullman" and an ugly "Jeff Daniels". Acting wise…(I really want to bash him) he does alright. He’s the right mix of sexy, tough and goofy and delivers a decent (I wish he sucked) performance. Linda Hamilton proves to us again that she’s a fine thespian (with nice jugs). Her tone is perfect for this kind of movie…a blend of seriousness and lightness. My question is: WHERE IS SHE NOW? COME BACK LINDA WE LOVE YOU.

If you don’t blink you get to see a very fast glimpse of one of Linda Hamilton’s breasts. If your smart, you go rent "The Terminator" where they are displayed in all their glory (it's also a kickass movie).

Lady Kong unfortunately shows us her saggy tits…a lot.

Did someone direct this? The minor talent Guillerman showed us in his remake is totally absent in this one. It’s cold and suspenseless. A chimp would have done a better job.

The score is nothing special, I think some "Megadeth" could have helped this turkey out.

I personally like my movies with a little more "oomph"…(I hate Disney movies). The love story (between the apes) took too much space and the rest is just not exciting enough for me to give a damn. I never thought a movie about giant apes could be boring, this one is. Not my cup of blood…rent at your own risk.

The two dudes that wrote this baboon romance are Ronald Shusett (he came up with the story for ALIEN and wrote the "Steven Segal" flick "Above The Law") and Steven Pressfield (he wrote the Dolph Lundgren muscles and cars flick "Army Of One").

Peter Elliott (who plays Kong) is a master at playing gorillas. He played one in "Congo" and played the lead gorilla in "Buddy".

There’s "sequel talk" in the air…