I won’t even go into the “true story” moniker glued to this 2005 update. Either
way, the Lutz' were kept away from this remake by the Studio; hence they had no input into the film whatsoever.
This sucker was all fiction to me daddy-o! You want to hear my thoughts on that whole “did it happen” spiel? Read my reviews of the
Amityville Horror and
Amityville 2 and call it a life.
For better and for worse Amityville Horror 2005 was your quintessential modern,
razzle-dazzle horror flick. It moved at a lightning speed, went through its plot turns faster than you can say “A.D.D”, machine gunned every “wow”, “slick” and “elliptic seizure inducing” directing trick in the MTV book and boo scared the shite out of me until my butt was sore from all that seat hopping. It of course didn’t waste any time
in getting its bowling horror ball rolling either, where I was assaulted by
macabre goodies mucho early on up until the final frame. The film’s zippy demeanor
and dread heavy feel definitely made way for an effortless watch, one that demanded next to nothing from what’s left of my grey matter. Tag to that, engaging performances all around with the highlight being
“serious actor since he grew a fine looking beard” Ryan Reynolds and you
a trouble-free lay that had me smiling throughout.
A note on
King Canuck Reynolds! Was that dude likeable... scratch that...
LOVEABLE...or what? He stole every damn scene he was in (and even stoles scenes he wasn’t in) and I couldn’t help but
adore the lad to severed limbs! His natural "endearing" quality, mixed in with a
genuine sense of "menace" and awesome lines, made way for a very compelling
character to follow around. As Reynolds' Lutz got crueler and crueler, I cheered for him louder and louder. You know that a-hole that cackles out loud from the back row of the theatre when the mean spirit-ness or/and atrocities hits the screen? Well that was me throughout this film! I haven’t rooted for a psycho to do the doo this much since
The Stepfather
"Spring Cleaned" his humble abode. According to this movie, George Lutz knows a
thing or two about wrangling kids that’s for freaking sure! Parents take notes
of "The Lutz Method" as to how to keep your brats in check (the holding the log bit was
hands down hilarious...what a great scene). Good show Mr. Reynolds!
Unfortunately, the rush-rush nature of the affair did lessen its overall impact. Don’t get me wrong, it was always fun times in a
1$ dollar wine bottle but it could’ve been so much more that just that!
The story was hurried, build-up/tension were non
existent, character development was waif-ish (Who were these people again?) while the “fear scenarios”
didn't punch me as hard as they should’ve had since they kicked in hardcore too
early in the
game (i was numb to them at the half way point). And what was up with that priest subplot? It came and was dropped faster
than a good habit! Talk about pointless! Furthermore, the film’s over-urgency made the age old “haunted house movie” question ring so much louder. “What will it take for these suburban imbeciles to leave that EVIL house already?” Screw looking for background on the house
1 hour and 20 minutes into the movie…YOU KNOW ITS HAUNTED! GET THE F*CK OUT! You thought they didn’t
book swiftly enough in the 1979 version? Get ready for a "suspension of
disbelief" castration with this remake!
Overall, Amityville Horror 2005 was a sleek, quick and highly entertaining horror snack!
With more padding and less "rush-rush"; it could’ve also have been a weighty horror film. Buy hey…I
STILL HAD A BLAST! Reynolds owned the movie! I am now officially a HUGE fan! HAUNT THIS!
Episode #34
