Arrow in the Head reviews "Rollerball"

Rollerball (2002)

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Directed by:	John McTiernan
Starring:	Chris Klein/Jonathan
	Jean Reno/Alexi
	LL Cool J/Marcus
	Rebecca Romijn-Stamos/Aurora

RATING

PLOT-CRUNCH:

In the future, hotshot Jonathan (Klein) is the hero of some violent televised sport called Rollerball. When he finds out that somebody is making “accidents” happen on the track to up the ratings of the show, he decides to take matters into his own hands. Bring a pillow; this one will put you OUT!

THE LOWDOWN:

This “update” of the 1975 sci-fi cult classic (starring Jimmy “cocaine” Caan) has been getting awful reviews. I couldn’t believe it could be that atrocious so I went in REALLY wanting to enjoy it; from frame one I was searching for positive elements and I did find a few. For starters, the opening action scene is fairly exhilarating, the first Rollerball match is aight (I’ll admit that two “wows” came out my mouth while watching it), some of the cars in the film are dope and Romijn-Stamos (Aurora) is pleasant to look at (drop dead gorgeous is the word) and she comes through on the acting front.

Apart from that…what can I say? This flick is a mess on every level! On a narrative standpoint, the plot not only feels very dated (the sport industry is crooked…wow) but even worse, clumsily communicated. We get non-existent character development, a snore-inducing pace, lack of any "real" action, bland directing, zero substance, a thinner-than-thin love thang and crappy editing. I kept praying for the next Rollerball match to pop in to save me from witnessing this bland and badly executed “storyline”. Well, I lost my chips to the house there again because when the other matches did FINALLY surface, they bored the shite out of me too! Sure, a few of the stunts were gnarly but not once did I ever feel that I was watching a true sport! The cuts are so quick that all I saw were inserts of dudes falling or tumbling edited together. How McTiernan managed to make a sport where people on roller blades and motorbikes are kicking the crap out of each other so un-involving is beyond me.

And I didn’t even get to the worst part yet. There is an extended “action” sequence that for some damn reason is way grainy and is shot through a foggy green filter. What was that all about? Did they shoot this scene on digital and then try to hide it with the green motif? I don’t know! How can a scene like that be in an 80 million budgeted dollar movie? I felt so embarrassed for John McTiernan while watching that puke-inspiring sequence. I’ve shot better looking footage in my bathroom using a “Fisher Price” camera! What happened here? Like really…WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!? Not only is the scene overlong and amateurishly directed, but it also marks the end of one character and let me tell ya…it’s an unsatisfying and frustrating ending! What a let down! If an award exists for worst scene in a motion picture, this sequence wins hands down.

Top all that smelly trash with watered-down violence (I thought this movie was about an extreme sport), a painfully annoying commentator (I wanted to kill that guy), not enough Rollerball action scenes (I counted three and they’re short) and lack of any real thrills or intelligence and you get a bonafide waste of time. I couldn’t wait for Rollerball to end; it was torture to sit through. They should make a movie about what happened behind the scenes of Rollerball, it would surely be more entertaining than this celluloid sleeping pill. Let's bust some balls!

ACTING:

I’ve always been a Chris Klein (Jonathan) supporter but this flick ended that. The man’s delivery sounds phony and his overall performance is beyond wooden. Jean Reno (Alexi) knows the script is weak so he overacts his ass off! I couldn’t understand half the shite he was saying due to his thick accent but at least he looked like he was having fun. Not much of a stretch for LL. Cool J (Marcus) here; he plays himself. Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (Aurora) is the only performer that came through. Her accent is bang on and her delivery actually has emotion behind it. Taking into account the poor script, that’s quite a feat. Congrats girl! You came out of this alive.

GORE:

Some blood here and there. The real gore though is Chris Klein’s acting.

T & A:

We almost get to see Rebecca Romijn-Stamos’ breasts but the camera cheats us out of it. Teasing bastards! The ladies and the gay dudes will rejoice in seeing Chris Klein’s buff chest.

DIRECTING:

The man behind this dreck directed "Predator"? I don’t buy it. Apart from the opening action scene and the first match, the McTiernan we all know is absent. Yes, we do get some slow motion and a couple of nice camera angles but overall everything feels choppy, edited too tightly (I’d like to see SOMETHING) and the attempts at generating tension all fail. And then there’s the green filtered action scene…I’ll stop there. This is sad; I’m usually a fan of McTiernan’s work. He dropped the ball on this one.

SOUNDTRACK:

Soundtrack whore Rob Zombie graces us with a tune, so does POD and some other “rock” bands. I never thought I’d say this but we needed more rock songs to liven this dead lay up! The score is forgettable…yes…I already forgot about it.

BOTTOM LINE:

It's amateur night at the BIG BOYS’ tonight! The acting, the story, the pace, the directing…all pathetically slapped our way. Yes, we do get a few decent bits in the beginning and Stamos is da bomb, but that’s far from enough to compensate for the hour and fifteen minutes of pure, unadulterated garbage I had to sit through. Not even a BJ from the lovely Stamos would make watching this stinker worthwhile! Maybe if the studio didn’t sell out on the film by having all the sex and violence cut out it would’ve been worth a gander…then again…probably not. This flick is god-awful and I pity anybody that goes to see it.

BULL'S EYE:

Some of the more bloody bits and a full frontal buff shot of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos were cut out to get that coveted PG-13…that sux…

The film’s budget was around 80 million clams.

If you don’t blink you’ll see pop act PINK in this flick.

I had auditioned for the role of the Russian dude in the film but obviously didn’t get it.

I had one line in this flick playing a journalist but guess what; the scene didn’t make the final cut.

If you don’t blink, you’ll see my face in the audience “front row seat” during the second match.

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