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Scary Movie 3 (2003)
 
   
 Directed by: David Zucker
 Starring: Anna Farris/Cindy
Charlie Sheen/Tom
Regina Hall/Brenda
Simon Rex/George
     
RATING

PLOT-CRUNCH:


"The Ring", "Signs", "The Matrix Reloaded", "8 Mile" (huh??) and more movies are spoofed in this second sequel to "Scary Movie". An 80-minute nap ensues.
  

THE LOWDOWN:


Since I already wasted 80-something minutes of my existence on this obviously edited to death unfunny drivel, I’ll try (I said try) to keep it short for this review. I got precious moments of my “life” to gain back.

Gone are the biting Wayans Brothers (the lads behind the two previous Scary Movies) and their excessive brand of humor. Gone are the R-rating and the main Scary Movie regulars too! Say hello to a mostly new cast, a PG-13 rating and “spoof” veteran director David Zucker behind the camera. Zucker is the duder who gave us yuk-yuk classics such as "Airplane!", "Top Secret" and "Naked Gun" and surprisingly, even he, with all of his experience, couldn’t make this piece of shite float above water. After the opening scene came off flatter than an un-stuffed A-cup bra, I knew I was in major trouble with this turkey. It showcased used up Pamela Anderson and charming Jenny McCarthy in Catholic school girl uniforms! How in Hefner’s name can you muck that up? Well, "Scary Movie 3" succeeded in doing just that.

Throughout this sorry patch job that posed as a movie with a story, "Signs", "Matrix Reloaded" and "The Ring" were the three genre films that were poked at the most. The bad news is that the gags went from half assed to bland, dated to typical, in poor taste (what was that pedophile priest shite all about?) to mildly amusing (the Michael Jackson bit)...and I stress the word mildly! White, angry, rich and whining rapper Eminem’s film “8 Mile” was also parodied in what was easily the longest “joke” of the movie. What the hell does “8 Mile” have to do with the horror genre, you may ask? Absolutely nothing. That was a “target audience” decision but it made no difference since the bit also came out staler than Vanilla Ice’s rhymes. And is it me or did having white folks (i.e "crackers" as the film puts it) act and talk like black folks cease to be funny since...since...well…forever? It was never funny! If I hear a white person say “shizzle my nizzle” one more time in a film, I’ll bludgeon somebody with a dictionary. Freaking pathetic!

To add insult to insult to insult, once “Kool Kat” but now tamed “Poon Hound” Charlie Sheen was so utterly wasted here as well. What a damn shame! With the right material, the Party Sheen could be one hilarious mofo and anyone who's seen "Major League" or the "Hot Shots" movies can attest to that. He was given almost nothing to do here. Speaking of waste: Regina Hall, Anna Faris, Leslie Nielsen, Eddie Griffin, Queen Latiwhogivesafuck and Simon Rex all gave admirable performances, but even they couldn’t bring this dead script back to life via their energetic presences. Hopefully their paychecks cleared on the first pass at the bank.

All in all, "Scary Movie 3" was simply a safe, boring, childish, “target audience-heavy”, test-screening-whored-out massive waste of celluloid. I really can’t find anything substantially positive to say about this crap. It just sat there the whole time, lifeless, like a broken necked street-walker lying on the pavement after a run in with Jack the Ripper. Can you spell GARBAGE? The Weinsteins sure can! I MISS THE WAYANS BOTHERS! COME BACK!!!!!
 
    

ACTING:


Anna Faris (Cindy), Charlie Sheen (Tom), Regina Hall (Brenda), Simon Rex (George), Anthony Anderson (Mahalik), Eddie Griffin (Orpheus), Leslie Nielsen (US President) and Jeremy Piven (Ross Giggins) all gave their all...it's just too bad that it was in the wrong movie. Denise Richards popped up for one scene because she’s nailing Sheen in real life and Ja Rule showed up in a thankless role because he’s Ja Rule and 12-year old white suburban kids who like to pretend they’re from “da hood” love his skinny ass.
 

GORE:


We get a decapitation, a dismemberment and Pamela Anderson’s beyond-disgusting fake plastic cleavage. Yeesh!
   

T & A:


We get Pamela Anderson’s beyond-disgusting fake plastic cleavage (again…yeeesh!), some chicks in little clothing and some guy’s white ass.
   

DIRECTING:


Nothing stood out here, it was all fairly generic. I will say that Zucker did a good job at emulating the feel of the movies he was spoofing, but other than that, nobody was home and I didn’t care to wait for the mailman.
   

SOUNDTRACK:


I vaguely remember hearing some hip-hop tunes in this flick and I’m happy that I have already totally forgotten them.
   

BOTTOM LINE:


Wow, I didn’t think "Scary Movie 3" could manage to be worse than the choppy "Scary Movie 2", but it accomplished just that. This pedestrian “spoof” just went through the motions with half-baked and bland gags in its backpack. Even the capable cast couldn’t make this sit-down engaging. Maybe I’m getting too old for this shit, or maybe the creative minds behind "Scary Movie 3" ARE too old for this shit, but I didn’t laugh once during this entire movie. NOT ONCE! It must be said that comedy is highly subjective, so who knows, maybe you’ll have a giggle fit with this “Fisher Price” crud. In conclusion, to echo the gravely missed "Shorty" (Marlon Wayans) from the first movie: Get your papers, blunts, bongs, blokes, get anything to make a high nigga pie… if you want to survive this wreck! In plain English: Fuck this movie and the dead cow it rode on in. Save your money and watch the original "Scary Movie". Now that’s some FUNNY stuff!
 

BULL'S EYE:


Anthony Anderson's character was so popular at test screenings, that additional scenes for him were quickly written and shot while the film was in post-production.

The flick was shot in Vancouver BC.

"Scary Movie 4" is already in pre-production. Great…more garbage…

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The Way The Arrow Points...

   
 I’d BUTCHER my family to see this again
 HANG me but I dug it a lot
 An ok way to KILL two hours
 Just sling an ARROW in my head and let me die in peace

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