Arrow in the Head reviews "Spiders"

Spiders (2000)

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Directed by:	Gary Jones
Starring:	Lana Parilla/Marci
	Josh Green/John
	Oliver Mcready/Slick
	Nick Swarts/Jake

RATING

PLOT-CRUNCH:

Spider + alien DNA + A-hole government agents + unlikable teens = dumb fun stuff!

THE LOWDOWN:

Spiders is nothing original but I actually caught myself enjoying it every now and again. It starts off like a bad X-Files episode, but instead of Mulder and Scully, we get three annoying teens straight out of "Goosebumps". Then the flick becomes "Alien" with a chest-burster like scene, lots of creeping around in tunnels and the standard chase scenes. It caps it all off with a fun giant spider on the loose finale that’s faithful to the cheesy vibe the 50s flick used to serve us.

I wanted to bitch slap all of the characters (especially Marcy and her dumb arse smile) but luckily for me the movie didn’t spend too much time with them as people. It’s more about what happens to them. The flick moves very fast, slapping effects after effects down our throats, while never letting the characters be the focus of the film. THANK YOU!!!!

The effects were half and half for me: sometimes they were really good and sometimes they were just obvious CGI. There’s even a scene where I’m sure it was a rubber spider on a stick. But the lousy effects don’t take you out of the film too much cause it was clear to me from the get-go that this one wasn’t approaching its subject matter in a cerebral way (those dumb arse human aliens in the beginning were my first clue). This shite is not to be taken seriously, if you want to enjoy it.

So there you have it: a "so bad it's fun" flick. Wanna see some stock footage of the space shuttle? Some rubber aliens? Some bad blue screen? Some cheapo webbing? Even worse acting? And a sometimes very stupid looking spider? Cough five bucks this one’s way and have a blast. Crawl on this…

ACTING:

Lana Parilla (Marci) evolves a lot in the movie. First, she loses her glasses, then she loses her shirt and for the grand finale, her white tank top gets wet. Now that’s acting. Josh Green (John) didn’t convince me at all. He actually bored me. Nice biceps though. Oliver Mcready (Slick) can now go back to working the grill at "Wendy’s". Nick Swarts (Jake) looks like a thin Harry Knowles and says the word dude more than I do (try all you want bud, you still ain't hip). Mark Phelen (Agent Gray) can’t act period. I wanted to throw used tampons at the screen everytime he showed up. What a stinker!

GORE:

Lots of gooey fun. Spider coming out of a dude’s mouth. A deformed head, squished spiders, bloody spider attacks but the cherry on top was that giant spider rampaging the city.

T & A:

Lana Parilla in a wet white tank top and Josh Green in a wet white tank top. PG stuff.

DIRECTING:

Some suspense (it even made me jump once), good energy, the occasional slow motion and lots of fake atmosphere (bluish lights, lots of smoke). We even get a few slick shots. Adequate.

SOUNDTRACK:

A rap song, an ok score and even the itsy-bitsy spider tune shows up.

BOTTOM LINE:

It’s cheesy and it knows it. It moves fast and is there to entertain. Take out Billy Bong Thornton, slap the tape in, get some chips, some beer, invite some hot chicks over (or dudes, whatever makes you sweat) and have a good time. It’s that kind of a night.

BULL'S EYE:

The budget for this entire film was about $2 million.

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