SCENE 1: A young, hot white chick calls her boyfriend (Seagal) on the phone. He says he’ll see her soon. Literally as soon as she hangs up, he’s there, less than 5 seconds later, just in time fend off a random carjacker, who he then gives chase to.
SCENE 2: Seagal gets interrogated by cops, as the carjacker apparently ended up dead. He swears he didn’t do it, and because he’s Seagal, we believe him. The cops don’t, and they send him to jail. For six years.
CUT TO: "Charlie’s Angels"-style opening credits, which have all the film’s characters shooting guns in cheesy action poses next to their names.
SCENE 3: Seagal has been in prison for six years, and is now standing outside in the rain, reading a letter that after six years, his young, way out-of-his-league girlfriend (wife?) is breaking up with him. Rain pounds on her handwritten note, but amazingly, in an incredible moment of missed, easy symbolism, the ink does not run off the page.
SCENE 3b: Seagal recalls a 'sentimental' memory of his girlfriend disrobing to butt-nekkidness, doing an awkward, wannabe-stripper-esque dance, and then climbing onto his lap.
About 5 minutes later, after a brutal (and awesome) random beat-down by Seagal on some poor schmoes at a liquor store, our overweight, retirement-age hero is literally leaning on a railing, having another lap-dance flashback, when two of the film’s twenty-odd bad guys attack a cop. At this point, Seagal voluntarily interjects himself into the ‘plot’ of the film. His girlfriend is never seen again, the opening scene with the carjacker's corpse is never explained, etc.
Just another eighty minutes of bad guys fighting amongst themselves, Asian chicks dancing 'seductively', Russian mobsters as good guys, and occasionally, Seagal graces us with his presence. Despite being the film's lead, he's only onscreen about half the time, tops. But when that does happen, he is very, very dangerous (naturally).