Kilmer’s blank, lifeless stare throughout CONSPIRACY shows that he doesn’t give two craps about this movie…and with good reason. It features the same old story as pretty much every home video-doomed action movie. (I just reviewed a Dolph Lundgren film with literally the exact same plot). Even worse, they manage to waste the always great Gary Cole and Jennifer Esposito’s hotness. There are points where it comes close to being enjoyably bad, with a big scary henchman that looks like Patton Oswalt, or touching moments where Kilmer remembers his dead friend’s fondness for the book Watership Down. (“I love these rabbits!”) But in the end it just settles for bad bad.
I really wanted to find at least one thing to like about this movie, but it gave me absolutely nothing. It’s a cheap, incredibly boring and pointless flick masquerading as a thinly veiled conspiracy theory on Haliburton and U.S. immigration policy. (Esposito literally states the filmmaker’s hypothesis in an awkward, minute-long speech near the end.) Those hoping to at least find some Kilmer ass-kicking action will be severely disappointed. There’s maybe four minutes of gunfire and fistfights, none of it that exciting.
Please come back to us, Mr. Kilmer. Preferably in something exponentially better than CONSPIRACY. (Hint: Grow back your beard. That’s a guaranteed positive review from JoBlo.)
Extra Tidbit: God, I love TOP SECRET!