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Dark Shadows
BLU-RAY disk
10.17.2012 By: J.A. Hamilton
Dark Shadows order download
Director:
Tim Burton

Actors:
Johnny Depp
Michelle Pfeiffer
Helena Bonham Carter

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A cursed and imprisoned vampire is released years later, stumbling back to a home that's changed dramatically. Amidst having to adjust to the times, he must also protect his descendants from the witch who imprisoned him and now wants to destroy them all.
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
Let me begin by saying how big a fan I am of the nineties incarnation of DARK SHADOWS. For a TV show back then--long before the bar was raised to where it is today--it was pretty damn solid. Ben Cross rocked as Barnabas Collins and I was disappointed (to say the least) when a second season didn't come a calling. Making a show into a film is tough. It's always been and will continue to be a mixed bag at best. My beef with this mess primarily focuses upon the pitiful use of the source material and overall tone of the film. DARK SHADOWS isn't supposed to be a comedy. It's not supposed to be funny or cheeky. It's dark, moody, atmospheric and above all else, a tale of horror. Not this one. And therein lies the biggest problem.

My second beef is with the characters. I love Johnny Depp, I sincerely do, but his take on Barnabas Collins is atrocious. The makeup is terrible, his lame 'out of timeline' jokes are weak--and pretty much all showcased in the trailers I might add--and his relationship with the Collins family and Angelique are way off the beaten path. The entire story is just told wrong; from the wrong perspective, the wrong tone and essentially leading up to the wrong endgame. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The gothic scenery is alright at times (the opening scene particularly), but feels more and more forced as we progress. The CGI is dull and I didn't care for the "tongue" scene with Angelique. Seriously guys, she's a witch, not a licker from RESIDENT EVIL.

DARK SHADOWS is the perfect example of turd-burger being dressed up to look like a yummy hamburger--we got a decent cast for fixings and a supposed epic director. The problem is, as good as this may have looked on paper (and I'm being objective here cause I doubt this ever looked good anywhere), the second you bite into this burger you know it's crap. Tim Burton has many a great film under his belt, but this was a superior letdown. I was hoping for SLEEPY HOLLOW--a perfect incarnation of its TV counterpart--but sadly this was not the case. Just because you have Burton and his crew of favorite actors and actresses all together in one place, doesn't mean you'll get a blockbuster. In this case, far from it. I'd actually go on record and say this is the worst film of Tim Burton's career and if it's any indication of how he'll be handling projects in the future, he may want to retire and take up golfing instead.
THE EXTRAS
Maximum Movie Mode: You can do the whole split screen thing or pick "focus points" as the film progresses which you can go back to or play via split screen at any time. Cool...if it was any other movie.

Deleted Scenes: There's five minutes worth and they're all spewing the same "timeline" shtick. If you ask me, this entire film should've been deleted.

Previews: There's a couple trailers that play before the feature as well as a Digital and DVD Copy of the film.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
The mere fact that this film was actually labelled a comedy by the studio annoys me. There were so many avenues to explore and juicy lore to take from that this should've been a no-brainer. THE A-TEAM got horrendous reviews, but I loved it (I loved the original show as well). Regardless, it was a masterpiece compared this nonsense. All involved with this project should hang their heads in shame.

Extra Tidbit: Ben Cross should dress up and Barnabas Collins this Halloween and hand out door to door beat downs to the cast of this film.
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7:14AM on 10/17/2012
"If you ask me, this entire film should've been deleted" - made me laugh. I agree about The A-Team. I was a big fan of the show and was ready to hate the film... but I didn't. I thought they did a great job, until the lame finale. Shame there won't be a sequel (to The A-Team, not this Burton crapfest).
"If you ask me, this entire film should've been deleted" - made me laugh. I agree about The A-Team. I was a big fan of the show and was ready to hate the film... but I didn't. I thought they did a great job, until the lame finale. Shame there won't be a sequel (to The A-Team, not this Burton crapfest).
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