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Hardbodies Collection
DVD disk
09.01.2009 By: J.A. Hamilton
Hardbodies Collection order
Director:
Mark Griffiths

Actors:
Grant Cramer
Brad Zutaut
Sorrells Pickard

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
Two eighties adventures featuring surfer boys (who magically become movie stars in part 2), perverted old men, the most unlikely movie production team ever assembled, and enough naked young ladies to make Hugh Hefner himself, green with envy.
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
Soft core “titty comedies” have been around for years (not to sound crude, but there really isn’t any point in beating around the bush here). For lack of a better example, the AMERICAN PIE franchise (painful as it is to admit) is still trudging along with junk like BETA HOUSE (which as it turns out features my girl’s good friend Athena as the “stripper from Vegas” as well as my cousin Melissa who ends up topless in the bra unsnapping contest. I was NOT amused by the ladder, but my friends loved it). The HARDBODIES COLLECTION are a couple sub-par (PORKY’S wannabe) straight to DVD flicks that took up space on movie shelves back in the eighties. Ironically enough, I saw the first one when I was a kid (my uncle rented it), back when my favorite flick was ROADHOUSE and anything else featuring lots of nudity and senseless violence. Some things never change I guess, but all in all, these movies are awful.

The first HARDBODIES film can be summed up in one line: A bunch of old fogies rent a place on the beach and pay a “cool” surfer kid to teach them how to get chicks. And however bad that sounds, believe me, it’s about a hundred times worse on screen. I can’t even begin to tell how wrong this plot is, how lame these characters are, and how cheesy the writing is. Then again, it’s an eighties movie called HARDBODIES, so I’m pretty sure you can use your imagination to paint a rough picture. Scotty and Rags are the typical hammed up characters you find in flicks like this, and though some of their shtick was remotely funny, it’s hardly memorable or worthy of a second viewing. Sure, there’s lots of boobage, but in some cases (few and far between as they are), it just isn’t enough. This is one of those examples.

The second installment features more nudity in the first two minutes than I’ve seen in theaters all year (not that I’m complaining). Scotty and Rags are back (played by different actors of course), but the insane part is, for some reason, instead of burnt out, scamming surfer dudes, they’re actors now, filming a movie about (you guessed it) burnt out surfer dudes surrounded by oceans of titties (and it’s evident throughout that the bulk of this film’s budget was spent on coercing young women to show us “the goods” on camera). The one guy present in both films (Sorrells Pickard aka Ashby) just happens to be a real-life country singer/song writer who sings a couple “twangy” tunes (one in each film), my favorite being “She don’t f*ck fossils for free.” I will admit, THAT in itself was pretty priceless. The rest? Not so much.

I’m not one to knock “titty comedies”, hell, one of my all time favorites just happens to be SKI SCHOOL, but unlike HARDBODIES 1 & 2, SKI SCHOOL has a fun plot and storyline, the acting (though hardly award worthy) was decent, the jokes were frequent and quite funny, and it still managed to appease the nudity demographic with lots of naked flesh. I won’t blame the eighties either, the PORKY’S movies are still funny today (though a bit dated), and at least appeal in a nostalgic way to audiences who grew up loving them. I sincerely doubt the HARDBODIES COLLECTION will appeal to anyone, on a nostalgic level or otherwise. I see absolutely no reason to partake in the DVD release of these films. If you haven’t seen them, you don’t need to. And if you have seen them, you should have no inkling whatsoever to re-watch them, let alone own them.
THE EXTRAS
Two movies, no extras save a lone trailer for the first film (and a couple old trailers before the title screen). Not exactly deserving of the title “collection” in my opinion. Then again, people weren’t watching these flicks for anything other than cheap laughs and even cheaper women. But mostly the women.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
Two things. One, it makes me wonder when oldies like these suddenly pop up on DVD and are then pimped out like they’re classics. And two, these days, if people want soft core porn littered with worthless dialogue and acting, they can download it for free on the internet. Why suffer through an hour and a half of torture for scattered breasts, when you can settle for a five to ten minute clip of pure sex online?

Extra Tidbit: Consequently, I saw both these flicks when I was a “sex-crazed” hormonal youth, back when we didn’t have the luxury of internet porn. Those were sad times indeed.
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