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I Know Who Killed Me
DVD disk
12.17.2007 By: Quigles
I Know Who Killed Me order
Director:
Chris Sivertson

Actors:
Lindsay Lohan
Neal McDonough
Brian Geraghty

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A cyborg stripper fights to prove her identity by finding a sadistic killer with an amputee fetish who captured her identical twin.
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME is, to put it simply, an artistic masterpiece, one that's been carefully veiled to look like a standard Hollywood thriller, and then splashed with a hint of torture porn—obviously meant as a satirical play on the bloodlust appeal found in today's teenage demographic. Dissecting the film further still, you'll find a staggeringly deep exploration of everything that is blue—blue roses, blue light, blue fades... even the people are blue at times. And as you very well know, any film that has an emphasized color in it is automatically meaningful. But just in case that's not enough to convince you, this movie also has RED. Baam! Now what, motherf*cker? You can't even handle the symbolic wonder featured in this destined to be an Academy Award winning classic!

In case the sarcasm featured above wasn't evident enough for you, allow me to clarify: I KNOW WHO KILLED ME is to high quality cinema what Lindsay Lohan is to respectable career choices.

The film is about Aubrey Fleming, a wholesome, intelligent girl who appears to be suffering from an unspecified disease that makes her glow a bright neon orange color. But as it turns out, that's the least of her worries, which she finds out courtesy of a limb-obsessed psychopath who kidnaps her. Cue the entrance of Dakota Moss, discovered sans arm and leg soon after Aubrey's capture. Sure, the two gals may look alike, but it's clear through Dakota's incessant use of the word "f*ck" that they're completely different people. This doesn't stop the police from harassing the traumatized victim though, as they continue to badger her with pictures of a previous young lady's sliced up dead body and constant accusations of being a liar. (Impressive work ethic, coppers.)

Moss soon realizes, the only way she can prove herself, is if she solves this mystery on her own... and of course, has sex with Aubrey's boyfriend (while her non-mom listens unwillingly to the moaning downstairs). So, equipped with a badass cyborg arm and battery-powered leg, the sassy stripper throws herself headfirst into a shocking escapade complete with twin stigmata, randomly falling off body parts, tattoos that transform into cartoon animations, and a shitload of the color blue.

I could go on, but to reveal anything more would be to deprive you of quite possibly the most hilariously awful movie you'll ever have the pleasure/displeasure of witnessing. It's so bad, they can't even make the excessively gratuitous five-minute stripper scene the least bit arousing, although that can mostly be chalked up to Lohan's inability to rock a pole in a sensual manner (or even take her top off—c'mon!).

The rest of the flick, meanwhile, is undoubtedly the fault of the screenwriter and director, both of whose pretension is outweighed only by their stunning helplessness when it comes to creating a cohesive storyline. If you dare watch this movie (and if you have friends and alcohol handy, I wholly recommend it), prepare to sit in awe, your mouth fully agape, at the inconceivable crap that unabashedly unloads itself across your television screen. It's an experience you won't soon forget, no matter how much you may want to.
THE EXTRAS
Minimal special features, unsurprisingly.

Alternate Beginning (1:21): A montage of "artsy" water footage.

Alternate Ending (1:04): This alternate ending is actually how I originally predicted the film would end, and probably should've as well. At least then you could say the reason it was so unbelievably stupid is because Aubrey is a godawful writer.

Extended Strip Dance (6:08): More terrible dancing from Lohan. And alas, still no nudity.

Bloopers (2:48): Not many "LULZ" to be found here.

There are also some Previews.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME is so bizarre and so dreadful, no combination of words could possibly do it justice. I literally find myself overwhelmed by it, not knowing which aspects to make fun of first. In a weird way, you could even say I love it. It's definitely the funniest film I've seen this year, and considering that 2007 has marked the release of gems like SUPERBAD and HOT FUZZ, that's really saying something.
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