In case the sarcasm featured above wasn't evident enough for you, allow me to clarify: I KNOW WHO KILLED ME is to high quality cinema what Lindsay Lohan is to respectable career choices.
The film is about Aubrey Fleming, a wholesome, intelligent girl who appears to be suffering from an unspecified disease that makes her glow a bright neon orange color. But as it turns out, that's the least of her worries, which she finds out courtesy of a limb-obsessed psychopath who kidnaps her. Cue the entrance of Dakota Moss, discovered sans arm and leg soon after Aubrey's capture. Sure, the two gals may look alike, but it's clear through Dakota's incessant use of the word "f*ck" that they're completely different people. This doesn't stop the police from harassing the traumatized victim though, as they continue to badger her with pictures of a previous young lady's sliced up dead body and constant accusations of being a liar. (Impressive work ethic, coppers.)
Moss soon realizes, the only way she can prove herself, is if she solves this mystery on her own... and of course, has sex with Aubrey's boyfriend (while her non-mom listens unwillingly to the moaning downstairs). So, equipped with a badass cyborg arm and battery-powered leg, the sassy stripper throws herself headfirst into a shocking escapade complete with twin stigmata, randomly falling off body parts, tattoos that transform into cartoon animations, and a shitload of the color blue.
I could go on, but to reveal anything more would be to deprive you of quite possibly the most hilariously awful movie you'll ever have the pleasure/displeasure of witnessing. It's so bad, they can't even make the excessively gratuitous five-minute stripper scene the least bit arousing, although that can mostly be chalked up to Lohan's inability to rock a pole in a sensual manner (or even take her top off—c'mon!).
The rest of the flick, meanwhile, is undoubtedly the fault of the screenwriter and director, both of whose pretension is outweighed only by their stunning helplessness when it comes to creating a cohesive storyline. If you dare watch this movie (and if you have friends and alcohol handy, I wholly recommend it), prepare to sit in awe, your mouth fully agape, at the inconceivable crap that unabashedly unloads itself across your television screen. It's an experience you won't soon forget, no matter how much you may want to.
Alternate Beginning (1:21): A montage of "artsy" water footage.
Alternate Ending (1:04): This alternate ending is actually how I originally predicted the film would end, and probably should've as well. At least then you could say the reason it was so unbelievably stupid is because Aubrey is a godawful writer.
Extended Strip Dance (6:08): More terrible dancing from Lohan. And alas, still no nudity.
Bloopers (2:48): Not many "LULZ" to be found here.
There are also some Previews.