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Material Girls
DVD disk
Dec 19, 2006 By: Quigles
Material Girls order
Director:
Martha Coolidge

Actors:
Hilary Duff
Haylie Duff
Anjelica Huston

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
Two spoiled bitches called the Marchetta Sisters attempt to save their dead dad's make-up company from being bought out for, like, not nearly enough money. A 90-minute torture session ensues.
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
Well I'll be damned. According to IMDB, MATERIAL GIRLS is the second to worst movie ever made. That's ridiculous. It's much closer to being the eighth or ninth.

All joking aside, while the film isn't as terrible as its IMDB ranking would indicate, it's still terrible. Not the kind of terrible that baffles you into wondering how it got made (that part's obvious) - simply the kind of terrible that makes you wish to God or Allah or anyone out there that you didn't have to waste your time watching this awful piece of crap, but then knowing deep down that you have to because you made an agreement when you joined up on the site. Oh no wait - that's me. You don't have to suffer through this cloyingly shallow excuse for a film. Lucky you.

After the film kicks off, it seems like it's gonna be a scripted version of "The Simple Life" (what are you talking about? That show is too real!), but instead takes a really bizarre turn and becomes a crime solving mystery (??). That's right, kids! The Duff Detectives are on the case! Dick Tracy better watch his ass, because these chicks are sharp as a whip. They're also very appealing leads, with acting skills that could make Marlon Brando jealous - and I say this completely without sarcasm. If you buy that, hopefully you'll also believe me when I tell you that Data from "Star Trek" is in the flick, wearing an earring no less. (No, seriously, I'm not lying about that part.)

Although I'm sure I would've hated the film either way, the main killer of even the slightest recommendation (for parents of Duff-loving teen girls only, of course) is how conflicted and stupid its message is. MATERIAL GIRLS almost makes a wise turn when one of the characters says to the Duff sisters, "Maybe you should get a job." They laugh this off, of course, and instead continue to bitch and whine about how their dead dad's company is going down the pooper. So basically, the end of the movie has them return to their wonderful life of expensive cars and cell phones and bitchin' clothes and so on... Enthralling.

The moral of the story? Well, it's obvious really: if your million dollar company ever gets accused of something that's not true, become a detective and show off your tits to get information helping prove yourself right, thus restoring it back to its active state. That's some powerful stuff right there, folks. And for the record, it's kind of hard to sympathize with characters like these when, if they fail to save their company from going under, they only get $60 million each. Oh no! Those poor girls!
THE EXTRAS
I feared the worst as I clicked on the Special Features menu. "...please don't let there be a lot, please don't let there be a lot...." I then breathed a sigh of relief.

Audio Commentary (with director Martha Coolidge): The promising director behind REAL GENIUS talks about her new film with shockingly little shame. How strange.

Cast of Characters: The Making of Material Girls (9:54): Listening to the Duff sisters in the movie not grating enough to your ears? Then check this out too.

Also included are a nine-minute featurette called Getting to Know Hilary and Haylie as the Marchetta Sisters (no thanks...), a Music Montage (no really, I'm good...), and a Music Video with Hilary Duff pretending to be a singer (seriously though, f*ck off...).
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
This is a hollow shell of a movie, appealing only to prepubescent girls who think it's, like, totally awesome. It has zero redeeming qualities, and hopefully even its target audience will notice how devoid it is of anything even resembling a decent moral. Otherwise, they'll probably think that what's important in life is wearing lots of make-up, having "fabulous" clothes, and buying the latest version of the T-Mobile SideKick (which, by the way, this movie is practically a 90-minute commercial for).
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