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Redline
DVD disk
09.04.2007 By: Quigles
Redline order
Director:
Andy Cheng

Actors:
Nadia Bjorlin
Nathan Phillips
Eddie Griffin

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
Cars, tits, and ass.
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
REDLINE is a film of unsurpassing profoundness and subtlety. In it, cars go vroom, and girls wear bikinis. But don't get excited just yet; there's also a script (or at least a semblance of one), with characters and dialogue and everything. It's almost enough to scare off the movie's potential audience.

Complicating things further, there are good guys and bad guys. You can tell the central good guy because he's the buff one wearing army attire. But in case that wasn't enough to tip you off, hopefully the voiceover explaining how "he's a war hero that fights for what he believes in" will do the trick. That's right folks, this is that kind of movie.

A few scenes of cars driving and sloppily directed/written/acted/paced plot points later, the protagonist's brother suffers a somewhat horrible (but mostly hilarious) car accident. Once Mr. Hero is done flailing his arms wildly as he watches his brother's fiery demise, he then proceeds to (in a decision process that literally lasts less than ten seconds) pack up some guns, ammo, and C4 (because, hey, why the f*ck wouldn't you want C4?), track down his big ol' mean uncle, and show him how he do. Word. Now cue his stealthy entrance (and later, conveniently explosive exit) as Metal Gear's Solid Snake, since apparently he's not simply an army man, but also a badass half-ninja kung-fu operative. It's THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS meets STREET FIGHTER, with ten times the stupidity.

And then, in a move that defies all expectations, in comes your run-of-the-mill love interest by way of a pretty girl named Natasha. But Natasha's not just any pretty girl; she's a busty Playboy-quality hotty mechanic, additionally encompassing more skill on the road than that of even your most talented Nascar driver. She's also an extremely gifted musician. (You know, just to make sure all the bases are covered.)

To reiterate though, her name is Natasha. Evidently that's an important piece of information, since her and the other character's names are all blasted onto the screen as each of the instantly forgettable faces are introduced during the opening credits. Among the incompetent performances and one-note characters, the only semi-standout is Eddie Griffin, who with a name like Infamous, you can be rest assured is somebody you won't soon forget. After all, he's a straight-up playa, yo. Griffin may not be all that talented or funny, but at least he has a personality. That's already a step up from the other performers, rivaled only by the film's main villain, the actor of whom feels deserving of a much better movie. I'd even go as far as to say he's downright mediocre.

REDLINE's direction is credited to Andy Cheng, a man who freely spits in the face of Isaac Newton. Get ready to watch many a car shoot up an inexplicable thirty feet in the air, regardless of any sort of justification or logical causation. "Have a nice flight," chimes the aforementioned multi-talented, big-boobed love interest, smirking as a man soars off a mountain to his apparent death. In case you couldn't tell, she's sort of a c*nt.

Destroying what little the film had as a selling point, the races aren't even races. They're merely millisecond flashes of cars from varying angles, oftentimes sped up in post-production, with little to no continuity, mixed together with reaction shots of emotionless drivers looking in random directions and millionaires surrounded by nubile young ladies in skimpy clothing/bikinis, covering their mouths with excitement as they holler, "OHHHH!!" Meanwhile, in pure and utter despair, I contort my facial expressions and mutter to myself in a much more hopeless and dejected manner, "Ohhhhhh..." In the end, that painfully exasperated whine sums up the REDLINE experience more than words ever could.
THE EXTRAS
Blessedly, not much. Means less work for me.

Under the Hood (11:47): This behind-the-scenes featurettes shows some stunts and stuff. I dunno, I didn't really pay attention. Sue me.

Redline at the LA Auto Show (3:35): Clips of hot chicks hanging around the REDLINE booth at the LA Auto Show.

Also included is the film's Theatrical Trailer.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
It sucks.
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