BLU-RAY/DVD REVIEWS

Van Helsing’s semi-retarded descendant and three of his friends go up against many of horror’s famous icons on Halloween night in a fight for the lives of a bunch of hillbillies and cross-dressers stuck in a cursed town as well as their own.

Every time I read “from the tremendous asshats who had ANYTHING to do with SCARY MOVIE”, a little piece of me dies inside. This occurs mostly because I’m baffled as to why in hell people still let these fools work in Hollywood (let alone my overwhelming confusion as to how the f*ck there’s still a demand for this shit on a stick). That said, here we go again with STAN HELSING. Now this kind of nonsense may still illicit a laugh or two from some of the kids hanging around the schoolyard, but not THIS kid. This film was pitiful, clichéd to the tenth power and just plain dumb.

I could talk about storyline, plot, the 1080p Blu-ray picture quality…but what would be the point as this film has none of those (well, aside from being shot in 1080p of course). Like SCARY MOVIE did with scream, this film chooses to anally rape nearly every other horror classic as well as some of the newer stuff like JEEPERS CREEPERS. Yet, during all this time, amidst all these horror spoofs, I was smothered in shit jokes, dick jokes, titty jokes (though I rather enjoyed those, I know, I’m horrible), and many other instantly forgotten drivel you’d expect from the likes of a SCARY MOVIE knockoff.

I’d hoped that having Steve Howie (who plays the often entertaining Van in the TV series REBA), might possibly redeem this silly film in some way, shape or form. Nope, not even close. There was no help from the cast here, other than staring at Diora Baird’s gorgeously pushed up breasts (every hot chick should have to wear THAT costume this Halloween), or the equally hot Desi Lydic. I certainly didn’t have to see Leslie Neilson dressed up as a female waitress; seriously Leslie, has it come to this!?

At no point does STAN HELSING even try to become a coherent, entertaining or even watchable film. Instead, we get a juvenile string of shenanigans orchestrated by our four main characters (the reluctant hero, token black dude and two scantily clothed hotties) that does anything but serve up a worthwhile film experience. This is comedy (and I use that term loosely) at it’s all time low and should be avoided at all costs. Bottom line? I didn’t need to see Jason, Freddy, Chucky, Leatherface, Pinhead and Michael Myers singing a ridiculously altered version of YMCA karaoke and as God as my witness, neither do you.

Audio Commentary with Writer/Producer/Director Bo Zenga and Actors Kenan Thompson and Desi Lydic: On the one hand, I'm pissed that the funnier two (of the four leads) were not present for this commentary, but there are still jokes aplenty as no one (not even the director and actors) took this film seriously.

Extended, Alternate & Deleted Scenes: Eight minutes of titties, titties, titties…and Frankenstein getting a blowjob from the Wolfman. If only I were kidding.

Killer Parody: The Making of Stan Helsing: Over the course of ten minutes I saw how much fun these guys had making the film (or at least that’s what they were told to say). I’m still not sold on Leslie Neilson dressed up as a chick, nor am I impressed with the long line of fart jokes he used to stink up the joint.

Outtakes: Five minutes of your life you’ll never get back.

Trailer: Worth watching to see the term “Bimbo-iest” used in a sentence.

Still Gallery: A bunch of production stills from the film. I’m down for any excuse to see more Diora Baird. Yum.

Storyboard Gallery: Your typical scene by scene breakdown drawn up like a comic book. Nothing spectacular.

This movie sucks. The writers and production team behind STAN HELSING (as well as ALL the other SCARY MOVIE clones) should become Jigsaw’s latest victims in SAW VII and die horribly painful deaths.

Extra Tidbit: I’ll be day dreaming about Diora Baird’s epic rack all week.