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Taxi
DVD disk
Feb 2, 2005 By: The Shootin Surgeon
Taxi order
Director:
Tim Story

Actors:
Queen Latifah
Jimmy Fallon
Gisele Bndchen

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
When a loser cop (Fallon) gets busted down by his hot lieutenant (Jennifer Esposito) because of his inability to drive, he's forced to team up with a reluctant cabbie (Latifah) in order to stop a gang of hot models who seem to have a penchant for bank robbery.
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?

I should have known from the opening sequence that this film wouldn't get any better as it went along. First of all, the fact that it was the 268th movie of '04 to feature the catchy but overrated Beyonc's overrated but catchy summer hit "Crazy in Love" should have signaled a total lack of originality. The fact that the sequence featured a bike messenger pulling crazy stunts around NYC only to remove her helmet and reveal Queen Latifah, a woman who probably hasn't seen a bicycle since the local delivery boy dropped off his last side of beef, should have signaled a total lack of credibility. The fact that third and fourth billings went respectively to a supermodel with no acting experience and to Jennifer Esposito, who despite her glorious hotness is quite simply a horrendous actress (more evidence here) should have signaled the producers' realization that this crappy movie was in desperate need of T&A. And last, but not least, the fact that one of the co-stars was a Saturday Night Live alumnus not named William Ferrell should have signaled this film's ultimate destiny at the very bottom of Wal-Mart's clearance bin. Yes, all the signs were there but I chose to ignore them and soldier on in the faint hope that I could extract a few drops of entertainment from this petrified stone. I was wrong. If ever a "perfect storm" of bad movies could be concocted, you can bet it would be delivered in this big fat yellow cab!

I'm not sure exactly what the world sees in Queen Latifah. I personally think her "sassy loud chick" shtick is getting about as old as it can possibly get and essentially, she's the same character from one movie to another. Jimmy my boy, you seem completely lost without Tina Fey by your side but even you don't deserve to play second banana to this woman. Fallon's bumbling performance has about two minutes of funny goofiness to it before it sinks into utter oblivion. The only person in this movie who even showed signs of good acting was strangely enough Gisele Bndchen who admittedly didn't really have to stretch too much in order to play a Brazilian hottie but who managed to stay on top of her performance. Good work Gisele and remember: I only accept thank you notes if they're delivered in person on a very hot summer day! Aside from DiCaprio's girl, the only time this flick showed any signs of a pulse was during a few of the car chase sequences which weren't particularly innovative but which were exciting enough to sucker you into sticking around a few minutes longer. Take my advice people: stay as far away from this turkey as you can but if you're forced to watch it, make sure you time yourself in order to wake up during the pivotal scene in which Bndchen gropes Esposito.. sadly enough, this cheap thrill is the only one you'll get out of this long, lonely cab ride.

THE EXTRAS

Extended Version of the Movie: I'll give you three chances to guess as to whether I watched this or not.

Full Length Audio Commentary by Director Tim Story: This man has been entrusted with the FANTASTIC FOUR movie so I hope he's learn the following valuable lesson from TAXI: don't make movies that suck. In his track, Story walks you through his rape of Luc Besson's original movie with seeming disregard for the tremendously bad movie he's unleashed upon the populace. Not particularly good or bad.

Deleted Scenes (5 mins): Woo-hoo! more TAXI! Woo-hoo! Four unimpressive deleted scenes are delivered here, offering nothing but more of the same that didn't make the film funny in the first place.

The Meter's Runnin': The Making of Taxi (20 mins): A standard making of feature with the actors, director, etc. The only interesting part was a short clip of Bndchen offering what is perhaps the best and least pretentious explanation I've ever heard of why a supermodel would be interested in acting.

Lights, Camera, Blue Screen (8 mins): A visual effects featurette with its main focus being the use of blue screen in car chase and driving sequences. When the visual effects supervisor is more entertaining than the film he's working on, you know you've watched a bad movie!

Tour Guide: Jimmy Fallon (10 mins): Jimmy Fallon walks a cameraman through the set of the movie , conversing with people and making a few jokes along the way. For the first thirty seconds, I found it a bit amusing... For the following nine an a half, I began to remember the infamous torture scene in BRAVEHEART but with Fallon as William Wallace and me as the executioner.

Reel Comedy: Taxi (20 mins): It always amazes me that some of these Comedy Network features manage to be totally devoid of anything I would even remotely consider "comedy". This awful clip features two dudes dressed up as cops interviewing the cast of the movie.

Beautiful Criminals (3 mins): A small musical montage featuring various clips of the four gorgeousities who play the bank robbers. there's nothing wrong with babes but in a sense, it's a bit sad when that three minute clip is the only thing I remember from the DVD.

FINAL DIAGNOSIS
This terrible adaptation of Luc Besson's original TAXI is nothing short of an insult to film and should be avoided at all cost. One can only wait and hope that sooner or later, people will stop watching these films and the bankers who run movie studios will stop having them made.
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