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The Covenant
DVD disk
12.21.2006 By: Quigles
The Covenant order
Director:
Renny Harlin

Actors:
Steven Strait
Laura Ramsey
Sebastian Stan

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A bunch of twenty-something-year-old witch dudes (who apparently flunked their classes enough to be in high school) cruise around and pick up hot chicks. Unfortunately for them, a new kid in town wants their power, and he'll spout some of the worst dialogue imaginable to get it!
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
Take THE CRAFT, subtract any minor entertainment value it has to offer, and then give it a penis. You know what you get? That's right. THE COVENANT.

In it, a bunch of buff good-looking dudes meet a bunch of thin good-looking girls. They flirt, party, escape the cops, and admire how good-looking they all are. Oh yeah, and the guys have super powers. Their eyes light up and, somehow, they just make things happen. These powers are put to good use, of course, allowing them to do stuff like fix cars that won't start and blow up girls' skirts so they can check out their asses. Sometimes they can even pull off DRAGONBALL Z moves by shooting blasts of energy (or... something) between their hands. There's even talk of things like "darklings" and "The Ascension". It's all quite enthralling, as I'm sure you can tell.

Everything else about the film is pretty craptacular too. The acting is awful, the editing is choppy, the direction is shoddy, and the music is grating to the ears. The only thing I enjoyed was the eye candy, and I'm not talking 'bout special effects - I'm talking about Laura Ramsey... could she be any hotter? Yowza! But wait, lets go back to the special effects for a second. They're not great by any means, but there are certainly some cool gags done with them. Problem is, you already saw those scenes in the trailer (cut together in a much more exciting manner, too). Even with all its flaws, the worst thing about THE COVENANT remains its script. Almost every line is said with a dull but dead-serious intensity, which makes hearing them even more painful. Part of you just wants to laugh and go along with it, but you can't help but feel you'd rather just turn off the film.

Here's a sampling of quotes from the movie:

"I'm gonna make you my Wee-yotch!"

"Harry Potter can kiss my ass!"

"Someone is using power; I mean big time! And I'm gonna find out who it is..."

"Say it! 'I - will - you - my - powers.'"
"I will you... nothing!"

"You ready to say 'uncle'?"
"I'm ready for you to go to hell!"


With scriptwriting like that, do you even need me to tell you how bad this film is?
THE EXTRAS
I was very happy with the amount (or lack thereof) of special features.

Audio Commentary (with Renny Harlin): Harlin has made some pretty entertaining films, so the fact that he's proud of his work here makes me think he's gone completely off the wagon.

Breaking the Silence: Exposing The Covenant (18:44): An incredibly standard, uninteresting making-of featurette. It's basically an interview-filled session of people talking about the film's plot or how the project appealed to them. Boring!
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
THE COVENANT is a straight-to-DVD horror/thriller/action/unintentional comedy that somehow ended up in theaters. It's not scary. It's not thrilling. It's not even filled with mindless action. In fact, only the final showdown has a lot of action (Kameamea attack!), and it's all very poorly done. Unless you're teen who enjoys watching awful shows on the WB, don't even consider wasting your time on this. It's pretty much a loose matching of "Laguna Beach" and "Supernatural". (And if you think that's a compliment, then this film is for you.)
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