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The Hottie & the Nottie
DVD disk
05.08.2008 By: Mathew Plale
The Hottie & the Nottie order
Director:
Tom Putnam

Actors:
Paris Hilton
Joel David Moore
Christine Lakin

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
Broken-hearted/ambitious Nate Cooper (Moore) leaves the east coast for California to take a chance with his childhood crush, Cristabel (Hilton). She agrees...but only if he can find a date for her hideous best friend, June (Lakin).
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
It’s a general rule of thumb as a critic and movie fan to not allow an actor’s personal lunacy affect your thoughts on their latest film. But it is no east feat, dear reader, to erase every last E! True Hollywood Story-ism of famous-for-being-famous 27-year-old jailbird/socialite Paris Hilton from my mind…though that’s not why The Hottie and the Nottie will sweep the 2009 Razzies.

Hilton (1 Night in Paris) is “hottie” Cristabel Abbott, the softly-lit object of affection for body-builder and stalker alike on Venice Beach. Morning after morning, Cristabel ignores the gawkers on her daily slow-motion jog—until she bumps into Nate Cooper (Joel David Moore, Hatchet) who, after his girlfriend ditches him and smashes his guitar to bits, leaves “somewhere in Maine” to reunite with his grade-school crush.

And because we need a plot, Cristabel actually remembers Nate well enough to agree to date him—if he can find a boy-toy for her BFF June Phigg (Christine Lakin, TV’s Step by Step), the expired bag of chips to Cristabel’s “all that.” In an earlier scene, a supporting character notes the direct correlation between one girl’s hotness and the ugliness of her best friend, commonly referred to as a “grenade” in frat-jargon. The fallacy of The Hottie and the Nottie, as you’ve likely figured out, is that there is no Hottie: Hilton, via throaty whispers, awkward head tilts, and a half-closed eyelid, fails to seduce us, even while spewing pearls like “A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers.”

So, according to the title at least, we have the Hottie, the Nottie, the Lead Goofball, and all the predictability one can handle in 90 minutes. It’s too easy to figure out that somewhere amidst tracks from Maroon 5 sound-a-likes, either the Nottie will turn Hottie, the hapless goofball will fall for the aforementioned snot-bubble Nottie, or—for the ambitious filmmaker—both. What we have here is an ambitious (albeit illogical) movie, one that’s currently #4 on IMDb’s Bottom 100 (rotting between Alien vs. Hunter and Kis Vuk), averaged $249 and 28 attendees per theater, and is the only listing found in an IMDb keyword search for ‘tooth decay.’

If there is decency in this world—and the optimist in me believes there is—Cristabel Abbott will be forgotten, unlike her living, breathing, Chihuahua-clutching counterpart who is pillared by herself—and high school bimbos—as a modern-day Marilyn Monroe. While it’s been proven that both relied on cue cards to nail a take, Monroe at least showed up drunk on set, not stupid.
THE EXTRAS
Production Commentary: Screenwriter Heidi Ferrer discusses the origins of her story and how actual events inspired future Razzie nominee The Hottie and the Nottie.

Actors’ Commentary: Joel David Moore, Christine Lakin, and producer (not an actor!) Hadeel Reda sit down without Paris Hilton to chat about the making of the movie, reflecting on and sharing stories of production.

Making a Video Dating Personal Ad (7:28): June Phigg and would-be suitors make ill-advised attempts at ‘Will you date me?’ videos. A near-clever idea, but still not amusing.

Paris Puts Make-Up on Joel David Moore (5:52): Hilton applies make-up to co-star Moore. The end result? I’d rather see Moore’s sex tape.

Rounding out the disc is a Photo Gallery, Trailer, and Bloopers.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
If we're fortunate enough, The Hottie & the Nottie will keep Joel David Moore out of theatrical releases, Hilton out of the spotlight, and Lakin out of my dreams and into my car. Terrific...first review back on the job and I'm quoting Billy Ocean songs. Promise to keep reading?
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