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The Pacifier
DVD disk
07.02.2005 By: Scott Weinberg
The Pacifier order
Director:
Adam Shankman

Actors:
Vin Diesel
Lauren Graham
Faith Ford

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A rough, tough, and entirely wood-like Navy SEAL must act as bodyguard / babysitter for a bunch of screaming children.
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
Ever seen Kindergarten Cop? Daddy Day Care? Mr. Nanny? Or basically ANY movie in which an "in command" father figure is reduced to moron status due to a close proximity to children? Then trust me when I tell you that you've already seen everything that the charmless, witless, and endlessly obnoxious Pacifier has to offer. This is an absolute train-wreck of a carbon copy of a movie, created with no heart, no creativity, no humor, and certainly nothing you'll need to spend 90 minutes on. And if your response to that is "Hey, it's a kid's movie!" -- then my response to your response is this: "Hey, your kids deserve better! A whole freaking lot better."

It's not just that I hate The Pacifier. And I do. It's also that I hate everything it stands for. See, Vin Diesel had been having some serious box office problems prior to signing up for this flick, so some brilliant suit over at Disney thought "Hey, let's do the old TOUGH GUY / LITTLE KIDS thing!" Frankly, to call The Pacifier a "cookie cutter" movie is an insult to the folks who actually make cookie cutters.

There's simply nothing "to" The Pacifier, which helps to explain why the teeming masses celebrated the generic piece of refuse to the tune of $112 million domestic. But I can plainly see why the producers of movies like these don't put forth much effort; if something as pointless, familiar, and moronic as The Pacifier can gross well over $100 million at the North American box office ... why the hell even bother taking the time to create something of quality?

THE EXTRAS
The only things I can say about the audio commentary between director Adam Shankman and screenwriters Thomas Lennon & Robert Ben Garant are this: 1. After The Wedding Planner, A Walk to Remember, Bringing Down the House, and The Pacifier, Adam Shankman may very well be the worst movie director on this planet. 2. How the HELL do guys like Lennon and Garant, both of whom helped to create the brilliant comedy of The State and Reno 911!, end up churning out word processor fecal matter like Taxi, The Pacifier, and Herbie: Fully Loaded? That's just too bizarre to even contemplate, so let's just skip the rest of this interminable audio commentary (in which Shankman does nothing aside from announce what's onscreen) and move on to something else.

There's a collection of five deleted scenes -- all of which are just as painful and ineptly wrought than any of the non-deleted scenes.

A three-minute blooper reel yields zero in the laughs department.

A pair of featurettes are also included: Brad Garrett: Unpacified and On Set with Mr. Diesel: Action Hero / Nice Guy. Frankly my eyeballs were beginning to bleed by this point, so I'll leave it to you to decide how entertaining these segments might be.

Lastly and mercifully you'll find a bunch of TV commercials for The Pacifier and a collection of trailers for Chicken Little, The Chronicles of Narnia, Ice Princess, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Aliens of the Deep, According to Jim, and Halloweentown Movies.

FINAL DIAGNOSIS
The back of the DVD cover has a junketeer's quote that reads "Vin Diesel's Best Movie Ever!" I'm not sure if that's meant to be a compliment to The Pacifier or a slam on Vin Diesel, but it's amazingly hilarious either way. Not only is The Pacifier NOT Vin Diesel's "best movie ever," but it makes chaff like The Chronicles of Riddick and The Fast and the Furious look like Citizen Kane-style mega-classics.
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