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The Perfect Man
DVD disk
Nov 17, 2005 By: Quigles
The Perfect Man order
Director:
Mark Rosman

Actors:
Hilary Duff
Heather Locklear
Chris Noth

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
After having a bad relationship with a cheating boyfriend, Jean Hamilton decides to, along with her two daughters, move to New York. Apparently, the mom feels the need to move after EVERY bad relationship. The whiny eldest daughter gets sick of it, so she decides to set up her mom with an imaginary guy.
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
THE PERFECT MAN is an awful, nonsensical movie about shallow, self-centered people who do horrible things to each other in order to make their own lives better. Yet, in the end, it tries to make the whole thing look “cute” and “silly”. Give me a freaking break! This is the type of “romantic comedy” that’s made for emotional and popular teen girls who need something to watch on a rainy night when they’re feeling depressed because of how “horrible their lives are” and how “nobody loves them”. I beg you, just shoot me now.

Before I get started in ripping this flick a new asshole, I want to make something clear. I may be a guy, but I still know the difference between a good romantic comedy and one that’s been doused in cow manure. Can you guess which category THE PERFECT MAN fits into? That’s right. The gooey one. The first splotchy dung stain is due in large part to the horrendous script, which was so obviously constructed by a scriptwriter that thinks their work is much more clever than it really is. The next green-textured glob is from the work of Hilary Duff, who’s probably the least talented (yet still famous) teen on the planet. Even I can act better then her. Hell, even my f*cking in-grown toenail can act better than her. It also doesn’t help that she’s supposed to smart in the film; talk about being miscast.

A couple hours after watching the film, the pain still hadn’t worn off. I couldn’t shake away the terrible feeling that someone actually made this movie. I decided to have a talk with the director at his house. Thank God for Google!

Here’s how the interaction went down:

The Amazing Quigles: Hi, are you Mark Rosman?
Mark Douchebag Rosman: Yes.
The Amazing Quigles: And you directed THE PERFECT MAN, as well as A CINDERELLA STORY and episodes of LIZZY MCGUIRE?
Mark Douchebag Rosman: Yes...
BANG! BANG! Two shots straight to the head. His body collapsed lifeless to the floor. Blood poured endlessly across my shoes. An uncontrollable grin came across my face. I didn’t find out why the movie was made, but I didn’t need to anymore; I was satisfied.

I know that may sound a bit harsh, but you didn’t have to watch THE PERFECT MAN. And if you did, then why the hell was Mark Rosman still alive to answer the door?
THE EXTRAS
This film includes a giant selection of special features, almost all of which are about as awful at the movie at hand. Because of this, I won’t spend much time talking about my thoughts on all of them; only what they’re about. Just keep in mind that all the featurettes are cheesy, stupid, and not just a little annoying.

Feature Commentary (with producer Adam Segal and director Mark Rosman): I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t bare watching the movie again to listen to this. I listened for like five minutes, and from what I could tell it sounded pretty boring.

Deleted Scenes (18:45): There are 12 scenes, all of which are about as funny as the movie. So yeah, they aren’t funny. Too bad they didn’t delete the entire film.

Outtakes (4:32): A surprisingly funny gag-reel, if only to laugh manically at Hilary Duff f*cking up her lines.

Mom & Me (4:37): Cutesy featurette #1 talks about Duff and Locklear working together as mother and daughter.

Getting the Perfect Look (7:19): Cutesy featurette #2 talks about getting the character’s looks right.

The Clever Clapper (1:18): Cutesy featurette #3 briefly discusses how the guy who works the clapboard always did such “funny” stuff with it, like taping plastic mouths to it, etc.

Ready, Set, Soak, Shoot! (4:23): Cutesy featurette #4 informs on how they made that “exciting” sprinkler scene in the restaurant.

The Sweet Arts – Creating the Cakes (3:09): Cutesy featurette #5 talks about making the cakes in the film.

On the Set with Hilary – Blogs and Buddies (5:48): Cutesy featurette #6 talks about really boring shit. Oh, oops. What I meant to say was that it talks about how great Hilary was to work with.

Hangin’ with Hilary (4:00): Cutesy featurette #7 has a camera following Duff around, exploring her exciting life, as well as her extreme stupidity.

Hangin’ with Heather (3:25): Cutesy featurette #8 is the same as the one above, except about Locklear, and not as bad.

Chattin’ with Chris (4:01): Cutesy featurette #9 is on par with the featurette above, except (of course) it’s about Chris, who plays Uncle Ben in the movie.

There is also a preview for another film, labeled as Coming Attractions.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
This movie stars Hilary Duff. If that piece of information doesn’t frighten you, then maybe the fact that it’s directed by the guy who made A CINDERELLA STORY will. And then to top it off it’s written by the person who scripted COYOTE UGLY. Take those three big negatives, add zero positives, plus a whole lot more unmentioned negatives, and you have yourself a really shitty movie. I’m talkin’ “Hilary Duff” shitty.
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