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The Wicker Man (Unrated)
DVD disk
Jan 9, 2007 By: Quigles
The Wicker Man (Unrated) order
Director:
Neil LaBute

Actors:
Nicolas Cage
Ellen Burstyn
Kate Beahan

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A cop investigates a bizarre town in hopes of finding his ex-fianc's missing daughter.
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
There is only one reason anybody should ever have to endure this movie... it features Nicolas Cage bitch-slapping a woman in a bear costume. Seriously.

I had heard numerous bad things about THE WICKER MAN remake, but nothing could've prepared me for just how awful it actually is. Forget complaining about the lack of suspense or logic - you won't even be worrying about details like that. No, your concerns will probably geared more toward the dreadful direction, laughable screenplay, piss-poor acting, and the overall straight-to-DVD feel of the production. What's most shocking is that Neil LaBute (the writer and director) is actually a very talented man; some of his films include IN THE COMPANY OF MEN, NURSE BETTY, and THE SHAPE OF THINGS. This begs the question... was he really trying? Like... at all? How about Cage? Was he trying? ...I sure hope not. He delivers easily the worst performance of his career (which is sad, since he's been on a roll lately). Not that it's entirely his fault. It's kind of hard to look good when the character you're playing is an unprofessional, obnoxious moron who is about as endearing as the creepy townspeople he's investigating.

Here's a sampling of things that Cage violently shouts during the film (the extra exclamation points give it a little "pizzazz", which I can only imagine is what Cage thought too).

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
THE BEES!!! NOT THE BEEEEEES!!
MY LEGS!!! MY LEGS!!!
YOU BITCHES!!! YOU BITCHES!!!
STEP AWAY FROM THE BIKE!!!
HOW'D IT GET BURNED??? HOW'D IT GET BURNED??? HOW'D IT GET BURNED???
KILLING ME WON'T BRING BACK YOUR GODDAMN HONEY!!!

With laughable lines like that, THE WICKER MAN feels much more like a comedy or a spoof than an actual thriller. At one point in the film, we see Cage's character find the dead body of a girl underwater. He suddenly wakes up, shocked. It was just a dream. Then he looks down to find the dead girl in his arms. Bam! He wakes up again and shouts, "Goddamn it!" ...how is that not supposed to be funny? Well, whatever the case, the rest of the film has plenty more where that came from, so if you like bad movies then it's worth a laugh.


And wait... what's this? A sampling of clips from the film?
Gotta love YouTube.

(*BEWARE OF HILARIOUSLY AWFUL SPOILERS*)

THE EXTRAS
Aside from a commentary, the only extra is an alternate version of the film with a (as the DVD cover describes it) "Shocking Alternate Ending Not Seen In Theaters". The differences in it are some bad visual effects and easily the worst digital bees I've ever seen (NO! NOT THE BEES!!). Also, the film's "follow up" scene has been cut (I don't know why).

Audio Commentary (with writer/director Neil LaBute, actresses Leelee Sobieski & Kate Beahan, editor Joel Plotch, and costume designer Lynette Meyer): This is mostly LaBute's track, and it involves him discussing the film like it weren't a complete piece of crap. If this were a good movie, this would be a good track. Fans will like it.

The film's Theatrical Trailer is also on the DVD.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
Had I known what type of film I was in for, I definitely would've watched this with my friends and then turned it into a drinking game. There's not one single positive quality about it; there are, however, plenty of awful ones that help to make the film unintentionally hilarious. And I do mean hilarious. By the final thirty minutes of the production, I was balling at some of the stuff that was going on (Cage running around in a bear suit is a definite highlight, as is his disregard for the ethics behind not hitting a woman - in other words, he knocks some bitches out). I'm not gonna recommend you spend any money, but if you want a laugh, find a way to check out THE WICKER MAN. Worst movie of 2006, hands down.
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