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Ticker
DVD disk
10.08.2004 By: The Arrow
Ticker order
Director:
Albert Pyun

Actors:
Steven Seagal
Tom Sizemore
Jaime Pressly

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A hot, tight-assed blonde chick (Pressly) is taken into custody by 5.0 and her psycho boy-toy (Hopper) proceeds to blow up buildings to prompt her release. A Zen bomb expert (Seagal) and yet another "cop on the edge" (Sizemore) try to crack the case.
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
Seagal, what have you done? Quit playing the damn guitar and fire that “agent” of yours, pronto! Directed by C-movie action director Albert Pyun (who directed Van Damme in CYBORG) this cheapie thriller isn’t any different than all the other action stinkers that you’ll find Antonio Sabato Jr. or Rob Lowe starring in. Its story is predictable and unforgivably boring. Its dialogue is “puke inducing”, sappy and laughable (I cracked up every time Sizemore’s character broke down like a bitch…hilarious!). Its characters are tired walking clichés and its badly directed action sequences consist mainly of grown men firing cap guns or bland, obvious stock footage. The only elements that set this film apart from the other turds are the name actors it inexplicably reeled in.

What was Steven Seagal doing in this junk? Apparently not much, apart from ruining what remains of his credibility. He spurts “Zen” garbage, sits in a chair and only fights twice. Tom Sizemore (wasn’t this man in HEAT?) also embarrasses himself and sets his career in downhill mode. Jaime Pressly showcases some fine acting chops but keeps her luscious melons hidden. NAS proves to us that he’s a ridiculously putrid actor and should stick to rapping or whatever the hell he does. Dennis Hopper pops up to wear a slick leather coat and poorly attempt an Irish accent. We also get Peter Greene doing his "asshole" thang and an Ice-T cameo with him wearing the same outfit that he wore in 3,000 MILES TO GRACELAND (stock footage perhaps?). Unfortunately no amount of “star” power could’ve remotely compensated for the lousy script, choppy directing or dirt cheap production values attached to this film. What were these actors snorting? Don’t they have any shame left? Were their checks that big? Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock…BOOM! This movie sucks the big rod.
THE EXTRAS
Commentary: Director Albert Pyun and producer Paul Rosenblum sound very proud of their film...didn’t they see the piece of shite? They do provide us with occasional groovy background info on the movie (like where the stock footage was used) but unfortunately we have to sit through lots of dead time to get to it. These guys are quiet, too quiet…come on! Work with me here!

Trailer: The trailer makes the film look like an action packed roller coaster ride. It just goes to show you what a good editor can do.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
I’m a big Steven Seagal fan but this is too much! I assume the pony-tailed ass-kicker shot this flick before EXIT WOUNDS because this isn’t how you should follow a moderately successful comeback attempt. The only way to kind of enjoy TICKER is by laughing at it. You can either play: “spot the stock footage”, “let's laugh at NAS” or my favorite game of all “figuring out which scenes the actors didn’t really shoot together”. But as an action flick, this trash is a HUGE failure. It was shot in 12 days and it shows! Skip it and rent ABOVE THE LAW or SPEED again…
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