Don E. FauntLeRoy
Kirk B.R. Woller
Urban Justice (originally titled—and I’m not kidding—Once Upon a Time in the Hood) doesn’t put much effort into exceeding straight-to-DVD expectations, despite that, at a time—and I’m not kidding—being considered for theatrical release. This is the one that would’ve put Seagal back on a 30x70’ screen? What made this one almost worth the time and money? Surely it’s not Eddie Griffin…
Let me offer a synopsis of every scene, maybe save you some time: Simon (a very computer tech moniker for someone trained in aikido) questions random urbanities, “Who killed my son, mothafucka?” who strike back, “Fuck you, white boy,” and as a result, have their necks snapped by Simon. Throughout, we wish Simon’s son hadn’t been murdered. It’s not because we sympathize with the father, but moreso that Urban Justice couldn’t have been made, and thus would never have made it to my mailbox.
Since 2001, Seagal has released at least one film a year—2.7 per year, on average—take that Woody Allen! Of course, there must be a group of you that will find my snide remarks obvious and arrogant. I’m aware of the following Steven Seagal has (note: I neither understand nor endorse said following), and will say this to you: the hand-to-hand combat is the same as it ever was, and the one-liners are as cheesy as ever. Enjoy.
As for me, I’d still rather listen to his 2005 album, “Songs from the Crystal Cave” while gulping one of Lightning Bolt energy drinks.
Got lucky there, didn't we?
To Everyone Else: You already know better. Kudos.