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Valentine
DVD disk
10.08.2004 By: Dr. Drew
Valentine order
Director:
Jamie Blanks

Actors:
Marley Shelton
Denise Richards
David Boreanaz

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A big geek in elementary school, shunned by chicks and beaten up by the guys, decides to extract revenge on those who made his life a living hell, some 13 years later. All grown up, the nerd decides to don a creepy ass Cupid mask and make like a Veg-O-Matic, slicing, cutting and chopping up the girls who gave him a hard time back in the day.
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
What do you get when you combine an extremely fun premise, a super attractive looking cast and the ever popular slasher formula? One God awful piece of crap, that’s what! This movie has absolutely no suspense, no surprises, no chemistry between its cast members and worst of all, no nudity! It’s like they completely sucked out every decent thing you’d want from a movie of the genre. In most slasher horror flicks, you’d expect to find yourself sitting on the edge of your seat, terrified off your ass and waiting for the killer to strike. This one, doesn’t quite unroll that way. You KNOW when the kill scenes are going to happen because everything is completely telegraphed. The music kicks in, the victim is isolated and as you might have guessed, they get whacked. Yawn.

This happens over and over again until the mandatory unveiling scene which in my mind, didn’t exactly make “perfect” sense. Worse yet, Katherine Heigl was knocked off in the first ten minutes…and she had top billing! (email me Katy if you’re reading this…I’m your biggest fan) The one redeeming scene in the flick was the incredibly creative and nasty Jacuzzi murder sequence but sadly, even that couldn't save this mess. If you’re actually contemplating seeing this movie, prepare to be seriously disappointed.
THE EXTRAS
This DVD goes quite skimpy in terms of extras. First up is the “Club Reel” (3 minutes), a music video for “Opticon” by the glam metal group Orgy. It basically splices together clips from the flick and sets them to the song…nothing really spectacular here. Next up is “Valentine: Behind the Scenes” which clocks in at an anemic 8 minutes. What we get are ever so brief shots of filming as well as quickie interviews (and I’m talking quick) with cast and crew. The original theatrical trailer finishes up the extras. The DVD’s menus aren’t animated but do feature some sound.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
Given how little I enjoyed the actual feature presentation, coupled with the fact that the DVD’s got a pretty thin list of extras, I would file this one under the “Don’t Even Bother” section. You’ll thank me later.
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