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Vampires Suck
BLU-RAY disk
12.16.2010 By: J.A. Hamilton
Vampires Suck order download
Director:
Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Actors:
Matt Lanter
Chris Riggi
Ken Jeong

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
All the characters you love to hate from the TWILIGHT universe are here in all their shameless (and shirtless) glory to suck more money out of your wallets with a spoofed tale of the infamous love triangle between a girl, a vampire, a werewolf and...The Black Eyed Peas?
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
Every year I keep praying to God, Satan, Odin, Henry Winkler or anyone else whoíll listen in hopes of putting a stop to all these atrocious spoof movies, yet at least two or three (sometimes more) get made each and every year like clockwork. I can only assume these things must be relatively cheap to make because I canít see them pulling in much cash. I watched this simply because itís my job and I had to as make no mistake, it would have been a cold-ass day in Hell before I ever considered watching this on my own. Baring this in mind, Iím sure it will come as no surprise when I tell you that yes, VAMPIRES SUCK sucked hairy werewolf balls.

First off, as easy as it is to make fun of TWILIGHT (and brother is it EVER easy to do), to fully ďgetĒ where this film is trying go would requires you to have watched all the TWILIGHT films. Naturally, I have to follow that comment by admitting that yes, Iíve watched all the TWILIGHT films and though I donít exactly loath these movies, I couldnít help but chuckle at some of the things they were poking fun at (Bella being a spoiled bitch and whining all the time, the various gaps in logic and Jacobís shirtlessness were all at the very least grin worthy). That said, this flick does follow the basic play by play of the first two TWILIGHT films rather flawlessly so it really does help to know the actual story going in. Of course, that still wonít make you laugh very much.

The actors were pretty good at keeping a straight face Iíll give them that, not to mention most of them really did look the part of whichever character they were playing. I feel particularly sorry for Diedrich Bader (Oswald from the DREW CAREY SHOW) as this is certainly not a high note for his career, so Iím glad heís got a decent gig with DC for animated voice work. I also wish Ken Jeong would stop whoring himself out to each and every flick with a goofy character to offer as heís worth more than this and truly funny when given a worthwhile script to work from.

VAMPIRES SUCK lives up to its name and sucks like no spoof film has sucked before. The irony here is that although theyíre making it a point to bash the holy hell out of TWILIGHT, all theyíre really doing is feeding the fire by adding yet another film to the TWILIGHT universe. Usually a spoof takes many films into consideration for this type of thing but this one is purely TWILIGHT related. Yes, it does poke fun at vampires and werewolves in general (and the occasional stab at celebs like Tiger Woods and Lady Gaga) but itís obvious where their focus is pointed and I just find it sad that in a world so dead against what the TWILIGHT films are doing to Hollywood (allegedly anyway), that they would so blatantly give TWILIGHT even more power through this mess of a film.
THE EXTRAS
Deleted Scenes: There really isnít much here save for a racist slew of Mexican jokes; I see why this was cut and find it even funnier (being a Canadian) than this was replaced with pokes at Canadians instead.

Gag Reel: Yeah, four minutes of train and plane background noise messing up takes mixed in with more Mexican jokes. Rough.

Previews: Thereís a theatrical trailer, a slew of other previews as well as a Digital Copy of the film. This Blu-ray also features both the theatrical and extended, unrated versions giving us a whopping two extra minutes. Are you as pumped as I am?
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
Being a fan of vampires is one thing. Hell, being a fan of spoofs or even TWILIGHT is one thing but a spoof about TWILIGHT is another thing entirely and wrong in so many ways it hurts. There is absolutely no reason to buy or watch this film whatsoever.
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10:50AM on 12/16/2010
I think it's a failure here for the author to have failed to mention the incredible impression of Bella that was performed in this movie.
I think it's a failure here for the author to have failed to mention the incredible impression of Bella that was performed in this movie.
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