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We're No Angels
DVD disk
10.08.2004 By: JoBlo
We're No Angels order
Director:
Neil Jordan

Actors:
Robert De Niro
Sean Penn
Demi Moore

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A couple of convicts escape prison, surface in a small U.S./Canadian border town and fool every single person there simply by wearing a priest outfit. The duo spend the rest of the film attempting to cross the border in various unfunny ways. I say again…these guys do not even try to act or talk like priests…they just wear the outfit and everyone believes them. Wow. This has got to be one of the stupidest movies I’ve ever seen. Read on…
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
Easily one of the worst comedies of all-time, especially when you take a gander at its pedigree which includes acting greats Robert DeNiro and Sean Penn, writing wonder, David Mamet and directing guru, Neil Jordan. That’s right, all of those elements combined couldn’t come up with even one competent element in this entire overlong, unfunny, embarrassingly hollow movie. Half an hour into this film, I started thinking back to the last time I hadn’t laughed half an hour into a comedy. Then, an hour in, I thought the same time, and by the time the film’s end credits rolled and I hadn’t even cracked a smile, I realized that there wasn’t one pathetic, genuine little quality that I could impress upon the film, other than its authenticity of period and the general idea of putting two ‘tough guys” into priest frocks.

Sadly, I think that’s the only premise the filmmakers believed they required in order to make this film, with both DeNiro and Penn grimacing and mugging it up in every other shot. Was it funny though? Not at all, especially when you tack onto that, the film’s ridiculous amount of plot holes and inconsistencies, and plain contrived nature. So I’m supposed to believe that a small town near the Canadian border coincidentally houses more priests than the Vatican? I’m supposed to let it slide when the priests require a “disabled person” to cross over to Canada, and it just so happens that they met a deaf girl earlier in the film? (how convenient!) I’m supposed to turn a blind eye when hundreds of “Wanted” posters of the convicts are spread across the small town, and yet not one person ever suspects the brand-new, suspicious, chain-smoking “priests” (one of whom wears half-cut leather black gloves…even with his priest outfit!!) who never once say a real prayer and habitually threaten other priests? Wow, is the PG-13 rating require one to be below the age of 13 to believe this shit or what?

But saddest of all is that both actors/characters are so obvious, so over-the-top caricateurish and painfully guilty, that you can’t help but not give a crap about anyone in that stupid, small town, especially Demi Moore and her over-acting, bad-accented cameo of a half-assed part gone awry (look closely and you will actually see her laughing at DeNiro in a serious scene…no joke!) There are so many other things wrong with this film, but I don’t want to bore you, as the film did me, so I will end it here (which reminds me, the movie is painfully boring most of the time as well) I dare you to rent this film and not laugh at its complete and utter incompetence. Seriously, call some friends over and make a night out of it. This movie is horrible!
THE EXTRAS
This DVD might have been the ideal place for any of the perpetrators of this film’s creation to provide us with some insight into their dementia during the period in which they actually believed that any part of this abomination might be remotely humorous or entertaining to anyone. Or at the very least, offer their sincere apologies for having been a part of this grade-A dud. Jordan, gimme a commentary track and explain yourself, you bastard! DeNiro, Penn…did you guys lose a bet to a studio head or something? Mamet, were you smoking some bad shit during this period, m’man? Please, someone…explain yourself! But alas, no extras for us…not even a painful 2-minute trailer reminder of how awful a movie this was.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
In case you didn’t read either my review or the extras sections above, allow me to re-iterate how completely god-awful this motion picture is, in almost every sense of the cinematic equivalent of that word, including goofy, inappropriate acting, a putrid screenplay filled with pathetic attempts at comedy, no message, no laughs, no point, no entertainment value…heck, even the film’s title sucks ass! In short: this movie blows.
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