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White Noise
DVD disk
May 27, 2005 By: Quigles
White Noise order
Director:
Geoffrey Sax

Actors:
Michael Keaton
Chandra West
Deborah Kara Unger

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A moping widow husband finds his dead wife trying to communicate with him through various electronic items (static from TVs, recorders, etc), which is known today as E.V.P. (Electronic Voice Phenomenon). Boredom follows...
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
Note to Hollywood: Please stop making shitty horror films. If that hasnt satisfied your urges to hear about WHITE NOISE, allow me to tear apart this piece of crap bit by bit. Lets start with the plot, or rather, the central idea about E.V.P. If you are sold at all by the idea of the dead communicating through static, then you might hate this movie less than I did, or better yet (but highly unlikely), actually enjoy it. I, for one, thought the idea incredibly ridiculous from frame one, but still refused to let that ruin the flick for me... well, I tried at least. My problem wasnt exactly that the plot was dumb (which it was), but that its played so straight (and even expects you to believe the whole deal), yet progressively gets more and more stupid, even to the point that I could actually feel my brain cells withering away to nothingness. Enough of them lasted, however, to tell you just how inane this movie really is.

Even the worst of horror movies normally at least have enough boo scares and brainless entertainment to keep you engaged. WHITE NOISE is not only incredibly boring, but the boo scares are limited to about two scenes, which arent really scary, but simply use the highly creative act of having silence followed by something springing at you with a sudden scream. Unlike Arrow In The Head, I thought the opening credits were hardly stylish, the build-up predictable and dull, and the mystery about as enjoyable to watch as crapping your pants at a party. And to think, it actually goes downhill from that point. I dont mind logic being thrown out the window, but in this case, they took logic, shoved it up Uwe Bolls ass, and then tossed him through a closed window of a ten-story building, only to have him get impaled on a flagpole. In case you didnt notice, I didnt find it very logical. I wont even get started on the (to put it nicely) laughable ending. Its sad to think that a great actor like Michael Keaton has been reduced to asinine crap like this, not to mention that hes got HERBIE: FULLY LOADED coming up (whats the deal man?). To make matters worse, Keaton was actually an unexciting (not to mention vacuous) lead here, so even his talents were wasted. Seriously, just skip this one altogether and let the unbearable static fade out.
THE EXTRAS
For any of you that like the idea of E.V.P., youre in luck, because the DVD extras are devoted entirely to three short featurettes concerning the subject, not including the audio commentary. On a different note, I found it pretty amusing that two experts of EVP were supporters of this movie, when the film actually makes EVP seem like a bad thing to become associated with.

Commentary (with director Geoffrey Sax and Michael Keaton): A surprisingly compelling commentary track that discusses the basics of making the movie and the ideas behind it. Its not wonderful by any means, but if God forbid there are any fans out there, this should do just find.

Hearing is Believing: Actual EVP Sessions (14:08): We travel alongside two supposed experts in the field of the paranormal while they try to contact the dead in two different locations. To be honest, this actually furthered my disbelief of the whole idea even more.

Making Contacts: EVP Experts (8:37): The same two experts give us a deeper look at EVP, and the society of people that believe in it. While still completely unbelievable, it feels a bit more real than the previous featurette.

Recording the Afterlife at Home (4:25): Apparently this informs you how to contact the dead on your own, but it really felt like the couple was just telling us how they do it. I dont know many people willing to spend the money they obviously did in getting proper equipment to do something so pointless.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
Id rather watch static on the TV for an hour than watch this crap pile again, which has to be the worst horror movie Ive seen in quite awhile. If you like the idea of E.V.P., you might find the extras at least worth something, but me not being one of those people already tells you that I didnt. If you enjoy being bored to tears and find TV static terrifying (I know I certainly do!) then check out this movie. Everyone else, dont even glimpse at the cover in the video store. In fact, hide all of the copies so you can save people from the torture of sitting through it.
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