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Zodiac Killer
DVD disk
Aug 5, 2005 By: Quigles
Zodiac Killer order
Director:
Ulli Lommel

Actors:
Vladimir Maksic
Ulli Lommel
Todd Jensen

Rating:
Movie:
Extras:
Overall:

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WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
This flicks plot (*snicker*) has something to do with stuff. And the people, they do... stuff. Hmmm. This is gonna be harder then I thought. Ok, here we go: based loosely (or, more preferably, poorly) on the series of Zodiac killings, this movie follows a copycat killer who shares interest in the writings concerning the true murderer. Some other stuff happens too, although I cant be sure I was too busy stabbing myself with forks and other sharp objects to notice.
IS IT A GOOD MOVIE?
Warning! The film you are about to see contains graphic and disturbing images. Because contrary to popular belief, being killed is neither fun, pretty, or romantic... This statement, which precedes the movie (a term which I use loosely), is funny for a number of reasons. First of all, the graphic images are in fact real (and quite grotesque), but all of them are taken from various websites. As far as the film itself goes, the most graphic you get is Hershey syrup blood and acting worthy of gouging your eyes out. Secondly, they refer to this dog-turd as, get this, a film, which is just plain ridiculous in every sense of the word. Most importantly though, its totally inaccurate, because if you actually endure the seemingly never-ending 83 minutes of this shit-fest, being killed will probably be the most fun and exciting thing that could possibly happen to you. I sure wish it had happened to me.

This movie isnt just bad; its literally the worst movie I have ever seen. No joke. Im not one to put down low-budget movies, but I am one to put down low-budget movies that had absolutely no right to be made. This movie makes THE CROW: WICKED PRAYER look like f*cking Shakespeare. Everything about it is painfully repulsive, starting with the non-existent acting (people actually glance at the camera by accident), the point-and-shoot directing (or perhaps drop-and-kick the camera directing), the illogical and horrendously researched plot, as well as pretty much every other aspect of this horrid mess. Dont even get me started on the lighting and camera work. I know high school kids that make better quality products than this.

What's even more bizarre is that this film has the label of a "thriller", when actually, watching my dog take a long, sloppy dump is a thousand times for terrifying than this film (which, incidentally, is a lot like an actual piece of dog crap - go figure!). In fact, here's a list of things I'd rather do than watch this movie:
  • Get cancer, or perhaps a large tumor
  • Lick a dirty pig's poop-hole
  • Get herpes, gonorrea, crabs, etc
  • See how many used hypodermic needles I can stick in me
  • Watch Uwe Boll's masterpiece, ALONE IN THE DARK, or maybe even, the Tom Green parade of hilarity, FREDDY GOT FINGERED (I know, I know - that's starting to get a little TOO absurd)
  • Man, I could go on and on...
NOTE: This movie is advertised as being from the director of THE BOOGEYMAN, which it is, but not the 2005 version. Obviously somebody was trying to get this flick an audience, despite BOOGEYMAN being critically hated by pretty much everyone. Hell, at least its better than this dreck. Even more unfortunate is that because of the sneaky marketing, a very small number of unsuspecting viewers are actually going to check out this cow feces, which is way more satisfaction than it deserves. In fact, if you find this movie in the video store, plase, for the sake of all humanity, break the disc in half and hide it beside SON OF THE MASK, where nobody would ever dare to venture.
THE EXTRAS
Thankfully, we are spared with only one extra, and its kindly hidden in the Set Up menu.

Commentary (with director Ulli Lommel and producer PYvonne Woods): I was hoping that Lommel, a German director whom makes Ed Wood and Uwe Boll films seem classy and sophisticated, would deliver some insight to just what the f*ck he was thinking when he made this. Nope. Apparently, he actual thinks he made a good movie. Poor fella. No wait, POOR US!

There are also a large number of Trailers, one of which is for the actual movie.
FINAL DIAGNOSIS
The only thing this movie is good for is to encourage filmmakers that happen to down on their luck. Pop this puppy into the DVD player and they'll jump up and say, "Hey! If this guy is allowed to make movies and not go to jail for torturing viewers, I can certainly produce something less shitty and also get a DVD release! Wowsers!" Ok, maybe without the "wowsers", but my point remains valid.

If you, for some reason unbeknownst to even the highest of forces, somehow enjoy this movie, I suggest you check out THIS PAGE. You know, its just something to look into.
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