...WTF were you thinking?
by J.A. Hamilton
After listening to my friend Marcey’s Super Podcast last night, featuring her and Joblo’s Tony Lang discussing their top five WTF moments in movies, I decided to put off my original plan for this week’s column and go with some of MY favorites instead. It’s hard to put them in a distinct order (all but number one that is), but here we go. Number five would have to be THE BEACH, starring Leo DiCaprio as a dude who ends up on a LORD OF THE FLIES type island; which like the island from LOST, has yet to be modernized. The movie started out cool (I was digging those shots of snake blood) but despite this film’s many plot holes, the whole jump into” video game world” had me wanting to punch a hole through my TV screen.
I see no evidence of stones...LIES!
Number four comes from one of my favorite films of all time THE FIFTH ELEMENT. I can look past Jean Paul Gaultier’s left field fashion sense, or the different kinds of aliens who are vastly superior to humans yet still decide to entrust us with the key to save our world, but what throws me every time is the concept behind Diva Plavalaguna. OK, so say the bad guys didn’t kill her, how the F*CK was she going to give Bruce Willis those stones if they were in her chest? Not to mention how big the damn things are, making it hard to believe they were inside her in the first place. I don’t dare ask how she ingested them.
Cut through the graveyard...what a wonderful idea!
Number three also comes from one of my favorites, RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE. Over the course of these movies, the way in which the T-Virus works is quite debatable; first it’s an airborne pathogen that kills everyone in the Hive, and then reanimates their dead flesh, then they just go with the good ol passing of the infection through saliva to blood contact and vice-versa. A little dodgy but I’ll roll with it. What I don’t understand is how the T-Virus manages to seep six feet down into the ground and through coffins to reanimate the dead people in the graveyard Milla and company run through. Over and above the fact that I wouldn’t be cutting through a graveyard when the city is overrun by zombies, I’m also thinking those dead people should have been dust and bone, not meaty corpses.
That's some high quality H2O!
Number two takes a film that was otherwise flawless, and turns it on its ass at the last possible minute, making me shout “ARE YOU F*CKING SERIOUS!?” That film is SIGNS. I’m all for alien flicks, as a matter a fact, they’re a “guilty pleasure” genre for me. So when this came out featuring a killer cast and an M. Night Shyamalan who was still on his game, I was stoked as hell. I’ll look past the idea of aliens preparing for an invasion yet deciding to leave less than inconspicuous markings in fields, but what I can’t forgive is having their weakness be f*cking WATER! We’re supposedly dealing with intelligent aliens with spacecrafts circling our planet, and they don’t f*cking notice that Earth is mostly comprised of the one thing that can kill them? Come on!
I am Jack's weaponized vagina
Number one comes in the form of a salty little flick that came out in 2007. Some of you may not have heard of it, and those of you who DID, may very well have avoided it. Curiosity (and booze) got the better of me on fateful night and thus I decided to watch TEETH. My WTF moment is this film in its entirety. Yes folks, for those of you unfamiliar with it, it’s about a chick who (due to living by a nuclear power plant while in the womb) is born with Vagina Dentata (yep, that’s what they call it), meaning her Vajj is lined with a set of teeth that would make JAWS envious. I recommend watching it if for no other reason, than morbid curiosity. Well, those are my WTF moments, so tell me, what’s YOUR #1 f*cked up movie moment?
Extra Tidbit:
I also wasn't overly fond of WAR OF THE WORLDS, specifically how the aliens (some of whom had been dormant on the planet years), failed to realize that they were susceptible to bacteria? Stupid-ass aliens.
PREVIOUSLY:
Stop with the shitty spoof movies!
Is 3D a gimmick?
Know a good script!
Don't screw up Green Lantern!
More R-rated horror!
No more comic reboots!
We're done with Megan Fox!
Bring back martial arts!
The Expendables vs. Machete
Disney meets Marvel
C'mon Hollywood... archives here
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10:43PM on 11/17/2009