It’s SHREK, but now with 75% more carcinogens.

My favorite part of the old Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons was always the Fractured Fairy Tales. So while the idea of parodied fables was decades old by the time the first SHREK rolled around, I was still glad to see it return. But then came the lesser sequels and knockoffs such as HOODWINKED. And now we seem to be getting the final whiff from the bottom of the outhouse, otherwise known as HAPPILY N’EVER AFTER.

To quote Colonel Kurtz: “The horror, the horror.” Absolutely nothing works in this movie. The content has been overkilled at this point and the style is just as lame. (They rip off the stop-the-film-and-talk- about-it technique from THE EMPERORS NEW GROOVE.) The animation is terrible; reminiscent of Saturday morning cartoons from 1998. The characters always seem to have vapid, lifeless expressions on their faces, which isn’t helped by the bizarre voice talent choices. For every Wallace Shawn there’s an Andy Dick. For every 30 seconds of George Carlin, you’re subjected to an hour and a half of Freddie Prinze Jr.’s narration.

I’m even pretty sure children of all ages will be bored by it. There aren’t any interesting or particularly funny characters, no visually engaging scenes or set pieces, and not much physical humor. HAPPILY N’EVER AFTER is about as exciting as a wet sock, as clever as its title, and funny like Carrot Top. (“Jokes” in this movie include the heroes sneaking past castle guards by speaking in Ebonics for no reason.)

I did laugh one time during the movie. And that was near the beginning when Freddie Prinze Jr. actually said, “This is where you came in. I hate to tell you, but it gets worse”

(He was right.)

Video: 1.78:1 widescreen. The best transfer in the world cannot stop this movie from looking like ass.

Audio: Dolby Digital 5.1 surround. My speakers called; they feel violated by having to play Freddie Prinze Jr. and Andy Dick’s voices at the same time.

There’s more than a few extras on this disc but I don’t think any are worth watching.

Commentary by director Paul J. Bolger: I’ve said it before: unless it’s Pixar, why do a commentary track for an animated film? Kids don’t care about how you made the movie and adults sure aren’t going to listen to stories about Freddie Prinze Jr. in the recording studio.

Alternate Ending (2:15): You get more resolution with the Prince and the evil stepmother gets raped by a gang of sea elephants.

Deleted Scenes (7:00): I was terrified to imagine scenes that were so bad they didn’t make it in the final cut of this already horrible movie. My expectations were met.

Featurettes (16:14): Four short documentaries hosted by director Bolger, who reveals the movie was originally conceived as a 2D animated film. And judging by the conceptual art, the traditional format looked a lot better than the shitty 3D version. Shoulda stuck with it.

Games: Five activities which can barely be referred to as “Games.”

Trailers for BRATZ, DOODLEBOPS, PEPPA PIG and more things that will surely impair your children’s cognitive growth.

Thank God HAPPILY N’EVER AFTER bombed at the box office. Maybe now we can finally put an end to the irreverent fairy tale craze. If you subject your child to this film, by law you can be charged with child abuse and criminal neglect. I will personally call Social Services myself.

Extra Tidbit: Prince Humperdink looks suspiciously like Mr. Incredible. Pixar should sue.