A moping widow husband finds his dead wife trying to communicate with him through various electronic items (static from TVs, recorders, etc), which is known today as E.V.P. (Electronic Voice Phenomenon). Boredom follows...

Note to Hollywood: Please stop making shitty horror films. If that hasn’t satisfied your urges to hear about WHITE NOISE, allow me to tear apart this piece of crap bit by bit. Let’s start with the plot, or rather, the central idea about E.V.P. If you are sold at all by the idea of the dead communicating through static, then you might hate this movie less than I did, or better yet (but highly unlikely), actually enjoy it. I, for one, thought the idea incredibly ridiculous from frame one, but still refused to let that ruin the flick for me... well, I tried at least. My problem wasn’t exactly that the plot was dumb (which it was), but that it’s played so straight (and even expects you to believe the whole deal), yet progressively gets more and more stupid, even to the point that I could actually feel my brain cells withering away to nothingness. Enough of them lasted, however, to tell you just how inane this movie really is.

Even the worst of horror movies normally at least have enough “boo” scares and brainless entertainment to keep you engaged. WHITE NOISE is not only incredibly boring, but the “boo” scares are limited to about two scenes, which aren’t really scary, but simply use the highly creative act of having silence followed by something springing at you with a sudden scream. Unlike Arrow In The Head, I thought the opening credits were hardly stylish, the build-up predictable and dull, and the mystery about as enjoyable to watch as crapping your pants at a party. And to think, it actually goes downhill from that point. I don’t mind logic being thrown out the window, but in this case, they took logic, shoved it up Uwe Boll’s ass, and then tossed him through a closed window of a ten-story building, only to have him get impaled on a flagpole. In case you didn’t notice, I didn’t find it very logical. I won’t even get started on the (to put it nicely) laughable ending. It’s sad to think that a great actor like Michael Keaton has been reduced to asinine crap like this, not to mention that he’s got HERBIE: FULLY LOADED coming up (what’s the deal man?). To make matters worse, Keaton was actually an unexciting (not to mention vacuous) lead here, so even his talents were wasted. Seriously, just skip this one altogether and let the unbearable static fade out.

Video: Presented in 2.35:1 Anamorphic Widescreen. I may hate this movie, but I cannot deny that the video looks pretty clear and praise worthy. There are many dark scenes, which is sometimes a big problem concerning saturation, but the film handles it very well.

Audio: English/French 5.1 Surround and English/French 2.0 Dolby Digital. The film carries a strong audio track. All of the irritating and jarring static was incredibly easy to hear. Good job, jackasses. (Sorry guys, shitty movie = shitty mood)

For any of you that like the idea of E.V.P., you’re in luck, because the DVD extras are devoted entirely to three short featurettes concerning the subject, not including the audio commentary. On a different note, I found it pretty amusing that two “experts” of EVP were supporters of this movie, when the film actually makes EVP seem like a bad thing to become associated with.

Commentary (with director Geoffrey Sax and Michael Keaton): A surprisingly compelling commentary track that discusses the basics of making the movie and the ideas behind it. It’s not wonderful by any means, but if God forbid there are any fans out there, this should do just find.

Hearing is Believing: Actual EVP Sessions (14:08): We travel alongside two supposed “experts” in the field of the paranormal while they try to contact the dead in two different locations. To be honest, this actually furthered my disbelief of the whole idea even more.

Making Contacts: EVP Experts (8:37): The same two “experts” give us a deeper look at EVP, and the society of people that believe in it. While still completely unbelievable, it feels a bit more real than the previous featurette.

Recording the Afterlife at Home (4:25): Apparently this informs you how to contact the dead on your own, but it really felt like the couple was just telling us how they do it. I don’t know many people willing to spend the money they obviously did in getting proper equipment to do something so pointless.

I’d rather watch static on the TV for an hour than watch this crap pile again, which has to be the worst horror movie I’ve seen in quite awhile. If you like the idea of E.V.P., you might find the extras at least worth something, but me not being one of those people already tells you that I didn’t. If you enjoy being bored to tears and find TV static terrifying (I know I certainly do!) then check out this movie. Everyone else, don’t even glimpse at the cover in the video store. In fact, hide all of the copies so you can save people from the torture of sitting through it.