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Strike Back Below!

Note: Jason is on vacation this week, so here's a classic from the Awfully Good vault.

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I will give a preemptive warning that this week’s column may be “Not Safe For Work,” as the film in discussion is about a woman with a man-eating vajayjay. So for those of you in the workforce, the boss-friendly version of the review is: Yes, it is as great as it sounds.

Penetration Angst (2003)

Director: Wolfgang Büld
Stars: Fiona Horsey, Paul Conway, Amy Steel

Is there a plot?

Helen is a normal young woman. Except for when her vagina eats people. As her craving for literal man-meat grows, she takes up a life of prostitution in order to find new victims.

Eh, there are worse ways to go.

What's the damage?

While not always the case, sometimes a great premise can carry an entire movie. Case in point: PENETRATION ANGST. (Conveniently titled simply ANGST on Netflix and Amazon, so as not to arouse embarrassment or spousal suspicion.) It’s a scientific fact; you just can’t beat a film that involves men getting sucked in to ladies’ hoo-ha’s. Especially when the carnivorous orifice actually talks in a voice akin to the title characters from GREMLINS.

“You’re doing it wrong.”

Despite the utter ridiculousness, director Wolfgang Büld makes the genius decision to play PENETRATION ANGST straight (for the most part), which just heightens the hilarity. The whole thing is almost treated like some bizarre female empowerment movie, one so unsubtle you can almost hear Sigmund Freud’s head imploding. It’s a mash up of genres; the evil vagina is played like a horror movie, there’s a tragic romance between two characters, and the Siamese twin subplot is filled with serious drama.

Teddy suffered from a rare disease known as Upside Down Moustache Syndrome. He also had lupus.

Oh yeah, there is a random half hour involving Siamese twins seriously coping with the ordeal of sex and intimacy. I’ve admittedly never thought about this plight but it seems like a truly heartbreaking situation. I mean, the guy in the movie has sex with the wrong twin…because he didn’t know they were turned over! Obviously a doctorate in physics is needed here.

The new fish taco flavored Fruit by the Foot was a surprisingly big hit.

PENETRATION ANGST was obviously shot on the cheap, which only adds to the hilarity. The vagina-eating effects are accomplished by spinning the camera. The Siamese twin prosthetics pretty much consist of the two girls just standing close together. And my favorite example: in one scene, a girl sticks her head out of a car window and a guy quickly rolls it up and has forcible sex with her. Mind you, I don’t consider the rape the funny part, but the fact that after it’s over (i.e. he gets eaten), she grabs the handle and rolls down the window. Had the production been able to afford a car with electric windows, it might be conceivable that the guy locked them. But instead the girl could’ve reached down at any point and manually freed herself.

This explosion has been brought to you by Microsoft Paint’s spray paint tool.

Lots of other stuff works…er, doesn’t work. There’s a great operatic soundtrack and Lord of the Rings-style themes that don’t fit. The vagina actually says things like “Feed Me!” or “Meat!” (I swear to God I even heard a couple Super Mario Bros. sound effects thrown in as well.) And the lead actor is obviously gay, which the filmmakers don’t even try to hide. The dude looks nauseous whenever he has to kiss a girl. When he goes to a strip club he literally stares at the wall and ignores a free lapdance. He even gets fellated and falls asleep in the middle of it.

Either this guy has a freaky-large Adam’s apple, or there’s a Xenomorph ready to burst forth from his throat.

Quick research shows that the creative team and cast behind PENETRATION ANGST have made other feature films together that look just as promising. Keep an eye out for them in future columns.

"Best" Line

A cathartic soliloquy worthy of Shakespeare.:

"Best" Parts

1) This guy’s tongue makes Gene Simmons weep openly. The sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling. (Warning: Contains nudity.)

2) A frank discussion of vagina dentate. I like how the doctor quietly laughs when she says she was raped. Must be an HMO.

3) Aside from “Okay, I do want to see it,” there’s nothing particularly great about this dialogue, but the German guy’s atrocious delivery makes every line awesome. (Warning: Contains NSFW language.)

Nudity Watch

PENETRATION ANGST definitely lives up to the first word in its title. Pretty much every actress with a speaking role gets naked. We’re talking lots of boobs, bush and coitus. And there’s even some sunburnt wiener for the ladies.

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Looking to be violated? Buy this piece of shit here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot every time:

• A person is sucked in to an orifice.
• You want to punch the annoying guy
• The annoying guy is obviously not heterosexual
• You're privy to an unnecessary flashback
• An appendage is dipped in yogurt
• Inappropriate music is played
• A stuffed rabbit is consulted

Finish your drink whenever:

• Express Siamese separation surgery is performed.

And thanks to Quigles for suggesting this week's pile of crap!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.