Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)

Director: Jack Perez
Stars:Debbie Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, Vic Chao

 

Is there a plot?

A giant shark and equally large octopus are accidentally unleashed from an Alaskan glacier and wreak a small amount of havoc around the world before being pitted against each other.

 

What's the damage?

After a glorious trailer that created a frenzy amongst the internets, MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS is yet another classic case of “sounds great on paper, sucks on screen.” People wanted to see this movie for the same reason as SNAKES ON A PLANE. The title scrambles your brain in to assuming it will be the most amazing gift to humanity since personal lubrication. In most cases, this is not true.

With a name like that, they must be good…

Somehow a film called MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS manages to be unbelievably boring throughout. That’s probably due to the fact that the title characters are barely in the movie, thanks to an obviously miniscule budget. That leaves us with a horrible story featuring 80s pop star Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas, who’s gone from “Renegade” badass to Gary Cole lookalike. Once in a while there will be a random bit of sharks or octopi attacking things, but the movie is seriously about Debbie Gibson. (Were there absolutely no better actresses available? At one point during the movie Lamas even calls her “washed up.”)

…Oh wait, never mind.

The CGI is so bad for the shark and octopus that it might be a good thing they only show up for a few seconds here and there. And when they do, they really don’t do that much damage. The military goes gung ho on killing them, but really the only destruction they’ve collectively caused is eating one plane, sinking an oil rig, and taking a bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge that kills maybe 4-5 people tops. That’s not too bad by giant monster movie standards. I say let them be. But of course they don’t, and we’re instead subjected to a final “fight” between the two that lasts about a minute. The showdown is so lame that they have to pad it out with ridiculous stuff, including a CRIMSON TIDE moment where officers on the sub threaten mutiny. There is literally more Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington impersonation in this movie than there is shark or octopus. I hope somebody gets fired.

A group from Greenpeace asks Rosie O’Donnell to please not lay out on the beach anymore.

I will give the flick points for bravely featuring a bizarre interracial love story where Gibson ends up with a nerdy Asian scientist and not Lorenzo Lamas. But aside from that, just watch the clips below and rent MEGALADON 3 instead. Now there’s a giant shark movie.

Four brave women gave their lives in the process, but scientists were ecstatic to finally have a sample of Hulk sperm in their database.

"Best" Line

It was a close tie between this and “Don’t love the ocean too much…it doesn’t love you back!” But I decided to go with the one where a respected scientist calls the mega shark and giant octopus “horny.”

 

"Best" Parts

1) See the shark take down an airplane (!) and get a taste for San Francisco, and watch the octopus go all Kraken on an oil rig. Also, pay attention to the bit of dialogue from the oil rig workers. I’m pretty sure they’re talking about urinating on one of their coworkers.

 

2) The final showdown between Mega Shark and Giant Octopus! Yep, that’s it.

 

Nudity Watch

Gibson hooks up with some Asian dude, but the interracial eroticism is all offscreen.

 

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Don’t go in the water! Buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

• An animal attacks
• There’s a flashback or reused footage

Double shot when:

• Debbie Gibson and her team do some kind of test

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.

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