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Strike Back Below!

Last week’s highly disappointing MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS left me craving a sizeable underwater predator movie that actually fulfilled its horrible potential.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

Director: David Worth
Stars: John Barrowman, Jenny McShane, Ryan Cutrona

Is there a plot?

What's the damage?

Now this is how you do a giant shark movie. SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON is something of a shining star in the world of Awfully Good, thanks to an infamous line and clip that made its way through the internet a couple years back. The movie is worth watching just for those two scenes alone, but it still has plenty of glorious cheesiness and horrible amateur moments to make this a great entry.

Scientists attempt to track the mythical beast formerly known as Melanie Griffith.

The giant shark attack scenes don’t happen until closer to the end, thanks to a convenient plot turn that the first shark is a “baby megalodon” (i.e. a normal great white shark), but when the big guy does show up he’s a pinnacle of special effects wizardry. It’s literally footage of a regular great white shark opening its mouth, blown up and super imposed behind green screened people pretending they’re being eaten. Even the normal great white stuff is just grainy, recycled nature footage

Patriotism wears a tank top.

Special mention must also be given to the horrendous acting on display here. Actors struggle to remember their lines on camera, and pretty much everyone speaks in bizarre accents or are dubbed despite clearly speaking the English language. (Being a South African production might explain that.) However, nobody does worse than the lead female who, if not laughing or smiling inappropriately during takes, gives some of the worst reaction shots I can remember. Take a shot the number of time she says (and butchers “Oh my God!” or cringe at her attempted crying when a parasailer is eaten. Hilarity!

That’s a great one liner…until you see she’s talking to a panda cub.

Those are some of the obvious things to love about SHARK ATTACK 3, but there are also so many little things that make the film special. Like the horny cameraman who only speaks in innuendo or Forrest Gump Security Guard. Or the main character’s horribly racist Latino sidekick, who he orders around and refers to as his “bitch,” before sending him off to search for the shark by himself while all the white people stay on the bigger, protected ship. (You can guess what happens after that.) I also love that the guy tries to fight the prehistoric shark with a baseball bat and that the lady tags the megalodon not by a gun, but by a handheld harpoon, meaning she has to get within 5 feet of it. And my favorite: before going after the shark, the characters go to church to pray. Then they bone in the shower.

Another great turnout for the annual Tom Selleck Moustache Fan Convention.

"Best" Line

So many great ones to look out for, but this is just a classic that can’t be ignored.

"Best" Parts

1) Some choice shark attack moments and the final CGI-infested showdown, where the guy literally opens the door to the submarine and swims out to escape a giant explosion.

2) Okay, the people taking the water slide straight in to the jaws of the shark is funny, but I’m seriously weirded out by the random girl (or boy?) wearing a clown mask watching them at the end. They’re never explained or heard from again. Thoughts?

Nudity Watch

You get topless beach girls and multiple sex scenes in the sea and on dry land. Also, man butt.

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Need a bigger boat! Buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

• The main female character says “Oh my God!”
• The main female character smiles or laughs inappropriately during a take
• There’s a false attack where someone who should get eaten doesn’t
• Obvious nature footage from another program was used
• The shark growls in an obviously dubbed human voice

Double shot when:

• A boat does not sink when it should

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.