DVD Clinic

Awfully Good #84
July 8, 2009

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Strike Back Below!

Source: DVD Clinic

By: Jason Adams

I’ve been on some kind of "killer creatures in water" kick the past few weeks. Sue me.

Silent Venom (2009)

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Stars: Luke Perry, Krista Allen, Tom Berenger

Is there a plot?

Luke Perry on a sub. And snakes.

What's the damage?

In addition to CGI radioactive snakes on a submarine, SILENT VENOM also offers humans like “90210” vet Luke Perry, former softcore star Krista Allen, a disgraced and puffy Tom Berenger and Mr. Turner from “Boy Meets World.” You can see why this would be relevant to my interests.

Luke could always keep a watchful eye on Shannon Doherty with his patented Luke Perry-scope.

SILENT VENOM is pretty standard fare as far as creature feature B movies are concerned. Crappy acting, an awful script filmed on a low budget, and horrible special effects. Granted they do use real snakes when they can, but if you ever wanted to see Luke Perry fight an oversized 8-bit reptile you’ve hit the jackpot. The story is cliché enough to assume you have a learning disability. The government is messing around with nuclear snakes in an inexplicable attempt to help protect soldiers from nerve gas (?!), only to have them escape on a submarine that is also stuck in the middle of Chinese naval war games. Why are so many snakes on a pressurized enclosed underwater vessel? Because one of the scientists wants to smuggle them so he can sell them in the U.S. (Seriously, who wouldn’t want to buy highly radioactive super snakes?) And how do the killer reptiles escape, you ask? Of course, a sailor gets curious and decides to pop open the highly secure container marked “Classified.”

“It’s cool. I saw Jon Voight do this once!”

Listen, don’t expect much of anything from this movie, and you won’t be disappointed. In fact, you might be surprised with some hilariously bad plot points. Like the fact that whenever Krista Allen comes face to face with a bunch of snakes, she follows the T-Rex rule of self defense and just stands really, really still. Or that Luke Perry is a decorated naval officer on the verge of retirement, but he’s seriously a giant Wentz. (Note: I often use “Wentz” as a synonym for “douchebag” since I hate that guy from Fallout Boy so much.) When snakes attack the control room he orders his men to stop panicking and get back to work, and when his BFF “Teacher from ‘Boy Meets World’” is in danger he orders him to fight the snake for anti-venom. There’s also the romantic scene where Perry gingerly picks the snakes off of Krista Allen. Then as they’re walking away she immediately gets bitten and he gets his revenge by emptying the gun he magically now has in to a pile of rubber snakes on the floor.

Krista Allen may have Medusa Shoulder now, but I’d still hit it.

If that sounds intriguing, you might want to keep an eye out for the potential sequel. At the end, as if the filmmakers had never heard of SNAKES ON A PLANE, the Navy secretly loads the same killer snakes on the plane that Luke Perry is taking home. That guy just can’t catch a break.

After years of being forgotten at John Adams High School, Mr. Turner would have his revenge on Cory Matthews and Mr. Feeny. Oh, how he would have his revenge..

"Best" Line

Two great things here: Luke Perry advising that his friend go back and fight the snake, and the guy’s complete 180 at the end to abandon Krista Allen to fend for herself.

"Best" Parts

1) I call this the “Luke Perry is a badass snake killer” montage. Ignoring the part where he hits his head on the ladder.

2) Some people dying funny snake related deaths.

Nudity Watch

How do you have a movie with Krista Allen where she doesn’t get naked? When she asked to take a shower I was like “Aw, yeah!” but then…nada. This movie hates America.