Miss Cast Away (2004)

Director: Bryan Michael Stoller
Stars: Eric Roberts, Michael Jackson, Charlie Schlatter

 

Is there a plot?

A plane full of bimbo beauty queens crash lands on an island where a giant man eating pig is guarding Noah’s Ark, which has been taken over by talking apes.

 

What's the damage?

Everybody has been honoring and remembering Michael Jackson over the past couple of weeks. His albums have hit the top of the charts again, his music videos are back in nonstop rotation and anything MJ is getting snatched up like little children. A warning: In your personal tribute to the singer, you may be tempted to watch MISS CASTAWAY since it’s Jacko’s last credited film, but I can’t warn you enough. Don’t. Stay far away. Leave the country if you can.

Just another day in the life of Eric Roberts.

I can’t possibly fathom how something this horrible could be made. Who sits down and writes a script so pointless and atrociously bad that isn’t named Uwe Boll. MISS CAST AWAY is like a less funny, even cheaper version of those Seltzer-Friedberg movies (DISASTER MOVIE, MEET THE SPARTANS, etc.). And like those flicks, there are no jokes in this movie, just random references to other movies strung together without cohesion. Except here the references don’t even make sense or allude to something popular. Why does Michael Clarke Duncan’s character from THE GREEN MILE show up for five seconds? Why does a guy get bitten by a spider and then turn in to the Hulk? Do the filmmakers really think the phrase “Raiders of the Lost Noah’s Ark” is funny?

Austin Powers’ standards for the ladies have apparently fallen quite sharply.

To make up for the fact that the movie offers absolutely nothing worthwhile, the filmmakers try to get some recognizable faces but have to settle on a pre-DARK KNIGHT Eric Roberts (who literally just hits on women the entire time) and quick cameos from Z-grade celebs like Evan Marriot aka “Joe Millionaire,” Jerry Lewis, Bob Denver aka Gilligan and Pat Morita. (The latter two of which died shortly after filming this movie. Coincidence?) The real star of the show, however, is the giant CG pig named Jurassic Pork. Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve bore witness to some bad special effects for this column, but nothing holds a candle to how bad the CGI in this movie is. Like “the ending plane crash in AIR FORCE ONE”-caliber bad.

I dream of a week where I can watch a movie that doesn’t have a giant CGI shark in it.

As for our beloved King of Pop, Michael Jackson has maybe two minutes of screen time playing a secret agent working for the Vatican. I’m pretty sure there’s a child molesting joke somewhere in there.

A sparkling headshot fading out against a rainbow over the ocean… What a fitting way for Michael Jackson’s final cinematic contribution to end.

"Best" Line

I give you Michael Jackson’s last film appearance. The funniest thing is that the man probably thought everything he was saying was true.

 

"Best" Part

Pretty much the only mildly entertaining part of this movie is the CG abomination that is Jurassic Pork.

 

Nudity Watch

Bikini clad teases.

 

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Make Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg look like the Zucker Bros! Buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink:

• Constantly. It’s only way to get through this movie.

 

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.

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