Ninja Cheerleaders (2008)

Director: David Presley
Stars: Trishelle Cannatella, George Takei, Michael Pare

 

Is there a plot?

Community college cheerleaders by day, strippers and ninjas by night.

 

What's the damage?

True story: a couple months back my company threw this party at a club and it was hosted by some chick named Trishelle Cannatella, who was a reality TV star from the Real World or something. However, after looking at her IMDB page I decided to introduce her as “Trishelle Cannatella from NINJA CHEERLEADERS” instead. Needless to say she wasn’t happy, but I didn’t give a crap. I had found my next Awfully Good movie.

Yes, ninja cheerleaders indeed.

I’ll give the filmmakers credit; they totally nailed the plot of this movie. A trio of hot, inexplicably intelligent girls needs to raise money to go to an Ivy League school, which they do by stripping at a go-go club owned by an elderly Asian man, who also owns a karate dojo and secretly trains them to be ninjas. But after the mob kidnaps their sensei and steals their hard earned tuition money, they have no choice but to go on an ass kicking ninja rampage. Oh, and they have to do it all in time for the stripping competition, so they can earn the rest of their money.

In a twist of irony, Mr. Sulu was about to go all Klingon on some poor guy’s ass.

There’s not a piece of that equation that I’m not completely onboard with. (Especially when you add in George Takei as the ninja cheerleader’s mentor, who chews scenery like it’s gum.) But, like all my high school girlfriends, while NINJA CHEERLEADERS has its heart in the right place, it never goes all the way. The tongue in cheek tone is there, but there’s very little ninja cheerleading pay off, instead focusing on boring conversations and random extraneous plot points just to fill up it’s quick hour and fifteen minutes.. Do we really care about the girl’s alcoholic father or the cheerleading coach’s dreams of coaching basketball? No, I want to see three scantily clad girls go all Michael Dudikoff on random henchmen. And maybe their tops could fall off. What little action there is is okay, especially Takei’s hilarious final swordfight with some chick. I’m pretty sure he actually uses the spark of their striking swords to electrocute her.

A quick cameo from Dennis Hopper in the SUPER MARIO BROS. movie.

I will pay one last compliment and say that this movie has the best scene transitions I’ve ever seen in any film. Instead of basic fades or wipes, NINJA CHEERLEADERS breaks up it’s scenes with quick montages of naked breasts, random ninja fighting and broken bones. It definitely kept my interest.

Hey, what do you know! That’s my favorite move for a girl to do too!

"Best" Line

The line itself is funny, but I was nice and left in some of the strip club scenes leading up to it. You’re welcome.

 

"Best" Parts

1) George Takei kicks ass and spouts off one liners like nobody’s business in this hilarious scene.

 

2) Kinji is that fast.

 

Nudity Watch

There are some random naked boobs during the aforementioned transitions, but the three main girls never give up the goods. And to make matters worse, we get a couple hints that they may be lesbians, but we never see it.

 

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Not to be confused with CHEERLEADER NINJAS! Buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

• George Takei laughs or smiles creepily
• Kinji refers to herself in the third person
• Awesome transition!

Double shot when:

• Someone answers their phone during a fight

 

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.

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