1999 was a great year for cinema and subsequently there are many 10th anniversaries worth celebrating this year. This is not one of them.

Simon Sez (1999)

Director: Kevin Elders
Stars: Dennis Rodman, Dane Cook, John Pinette

 

Is there a plot?

Simon is a rebellious Interpol agent living in a French monastery with his two monk sidekicks. One day he runs in to a former loser classmate and gets roped in to a criminal scheme by a foppish arms dealer that involves kidnapping, clowns and lasers.

 

What's the damage?

I remember the brief period in the mid-90’s when the powers that be were trying to pass off Dennis Rodman as a movie star. First, there was that horrible team up with Jean-Claude Van Damme in (future Awfully Good candidate) DOUBLE TEAM. Then for some reason they gave him his own starring vehicle, SIMON SEZ. But what exactly about Dennis Rodman screams “action star?” Is it because his tattoos, piercings and neon dyed hair make him look like a badass? Because I always thought they made him look like a learning disabled clown. And that’s the joy of this movie. Rodman is not playing a character; he’s playing Dennis Rodman—as if Interpol randomly decided to give Dennis Rodman unlimited funds and a license to kill.

That’s Dane Cook’s stunt man in the movie. I’m pretty sure he’s Asian.

Dennis Rodman may be tall, but he’s not a fighter. And that’s good, because the title character’s fighting tactic is to just haphazardly swing his arms around and kind of lean on people until they fall down. The filmmakers try to pad this with some Jackie Chan-style comic martial arts, but it just adds to all the uncoordinated funny. Even better, a spy like Simon should be a smooth operator, but Rodman has no idea how to deliver dialogue. His idea of acting includes randomly yelling out words and phrases or messing up and laughing at his costars. They even keep these takes in the finished film.

HahAHAahAHahA! Why so…wait, are you serious? Are you a Joker henchman, a Droog or a member of the Kiss Army?

But Rodman is not alone. People always think EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH was Dane Cook’s first movie, but he was stinking up theaters almost a decade before that. In SIMON SEZ, the spastic comic brings new unheard of levels of annoying to the proceedings. He doesn’t so much act as he does make random noises in the place of actual words. Why learn your lines when you can just do a five minute T-Rex impression or hump a chair? If you don’t look directly at Cook while he’s onscreen, you may be able to avoid having a seizure.

I want to know how much Robert Redford paid to have this movie stricken from his IMDB page.

The rest of the movie is built around having such horrible lead actors. Script, plot, characters—these are inconsequential things. Actually I may not be giving credit where credit is due. It takes a true genius to come up with two goofy sidekicks for Simon who are practicing monks that on the side work for Interpol as foul-mouthed techies. Also one of them is grossly obese and loves to dance. Then there’s the effeminate French or British villain (couldn’t really tell), who has henchmen randomly painted like clowns, sings show tunes and says things like “Get us the Dickens out of here!” His dastardly evil plot involves blowing up the Eiffel Tower because it “looks delicious.” Yep.

Even all the extra decoration can’t disguise the weapons-grade douchebaggery on display.

And lastly, why is “Sez” misspelled? I assumed it was the guy’s last name or something, but it’s not. They just let somebody with dyslexia title this thing.

"Best" Line

You will not believe the stupidity of Dane Cook in these clips. It is epic.

 

"Best" Parts

1) Dennis Rodman fights this girl until their clothes come off. Then they have what can only be described as techno sex, which involves strobe lights and dance music.

 

2) Three of the dumbest action scenes ever put to film, including a car with a parachute, Dennis Rodman putting Chow Yun Fat to shame on a pole, and a motorcycle defying physics.

 

3) Some of the “best” scenes featuring the retarded monk sidekicks.

 

Nudity Watch

The girl may have been naked during the sex scene, but it was hard to tell with all the strobe lights and seizures.

 

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Defeat SPACE JAM as “Worst Film Starring an NBA player!” Buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

• Dane Cook makes a weird sound or gesture
• Someone laughs at Dane Cook while onscreen
• Dennis Rodman breaks character
• Dennis Rodman pretends to be an action hero

Double shot when:

• Somebody falls a long way

 

Thanks to Horace and PJ for suggesting this week’s movie!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.

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