Comments: 6

100%

Strike Back Below!

The Wizard (1989)

Director: Todd Holland
Stars: Fred Savage, Jenny Lewis, Luke Edwards

Is there a plot?

What's the damage?

THE WIZARD is a 90 minute commercial for Nintendo, simple as that. It exists as a mechanism to excite impressionable children about the world of video games and show off what (at the time) was cutting edge games and technology. And of course the easiest way to do this is to wrap it all up in a super saccharine story about a family reunited, a mentally disabled child overcoming his past trauma and Fred Savage picking up the ladies.

Right after this, Lucas put away his Power Glove and showed everyone the true future of gaming: the Nintendo Virtual Boy. He is now the head fry cook at a San Bernardino Wendy’s.

It may sound like I’m exaggerating for comedic effect, but THE WIZARD’s plot is that ridiculous. Fred Savage runs away and, by himself, kidnaps a child from the mental hospital where he’s getting the help he needs, and forces him to hitchhike across the country to play in a video game tournament. This leads to scenes where they share a skateboard down a busy highway, ride on the back of random strangers’ motorcycles, and hustle businessmen by playing Double Dragon. Keep in mind the kids are like 8 and 10 years old. (Is this really the plot you want to use to promote your video game system?!)

Hontesly, were there no better extras available besides this old man in a Speedo?

Fred Savage plays a slightly angrier Kevin Arnold in this movie, except he’s cheating on Winnie Cooper with Jenny Lewis, who would later go on to front indie darling Rilo Kiley. Lewis stars as another strange young girl who’s traveling the country by herself searching for get rich quick schemes so she can pay off her mom’s gambling debts and buy her dad a house. You’re also subject to the bizarre duo of Christian Slater and Beau Bridges as Savage’s brother and father, who are racing against a child “bounty hunter” to find the missing children. The two fight and argue throughout the movie, before conveniently bonding over a game of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on Nintendo. And then there’s Luke Edwards as the titular wizard Jimmy, who has the easiest acting job of any kid in the history of cinema. He only has one line of dialogue (“Califooooornia!”) and he gets to play video games the rest of the time.

“Sparkle Motion, dammit! I’m still committed!”

And that brings us to the final epic Nintendo showdown known as Video Armageddon, which contains the saddest group of 80s nerds ever assembled on film. (Except the Power Glove wielding Lucas. I bet that dude still gets laid because of this movie.) At this point, THE WIZARD also becomes a commercial for Universal Studios. Not only do the kids curiously wander around the park, there’s an exciting chase on the tram tour, so you conveniently get to see all the major rides and attractions. (The tour guide even yells “Just sit down and have fun, dammit!”) Then you get to watch three kids play Super Mario Bros. 3 for 15 minutes amidst great dialogue like “That’s the magic flute! Use it!” and “Get the star Jimmy, the star!” And only after Jimmy fortuitously wins Video Armageddon is he finally able to get over the drowning death of his twin sister and move on emotionally. Thank you, Nintendo.

Guys, no matter what she says she looks like, this is what’s on the other end of your World of Warcraft game. I’m sorry.

"Best" Line

Behold! The glory that is Lucas and his Nintendo Power Glove.

"Best" Parts

1) What we’ve all been waiting for… Fred Savage, punched!

2) In addition to running away from home, it’s nice to see a kids movie teaching children that falsely accusing someone of sexually molesting you is okay…as long as you stand to make $50,000. (BONUS: Paging Johnny Love…)

3) And just because I love you, here’s an extended taste of the cheesy 80s goodness that is Video Armageddon.

Nudity Watch

Jenny Lewis says the word “breast.” Does that count?

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Be disgusted with Playstation 3! Buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

• Something is an obvious plug for Nintendo
• Jimmy says, “California”
• The kids do something that’s illegal, unsafe or a bad idea

Thanks to Dragula for suggesting this week’s movie!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.