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Strike Back Below!

For more Stalloney goodness, check out the Awfully Good takes on STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT and OVER THE TOP.

Judge Dredd (1995)

Director: Danny Cannon
Stars: Sylvester Stallone, Rob Schneider, Diane Lane

Is there a plot?

What's the damage?

After CLIFFHANGER turned out pretty awesome and DEMOLITION MAN was enjoyably over the top (no pun intended), Sylvester Stallone decided he needed help sucking more. So he did the one natural thing that anyone in his situation would do. He brought on Rob Schneider to co-star in his next movie.

Surely, making a sex joke here would be beneath this film and taking things out of context for a cheap laugh…

In all honestly, you can completely see why Stallone was drawn to this R-rated comic book world. The idea of a badass judge, jury and executioner dispensing justice bullets in a dystopian future filled with an abundance of criminal scum seems like a recipe for glorious violence that’s right down his alley. (He’s even got the Man Chin to fit under Dredd’s helmet.) Unfortunately, the powers that be decided it’d be a good idea to hire writer Steven E. de Souza, fresh off making baby Jesus cry with his adaptation/rape of STREET FIGHTER. Of course his take on the source material almost immediately takes Judge Dredd out of his ass kicking environment and puts him on the run in the desert in a horrible buddy movie with Rob Schneider. And what is surely the result of a hilarious bet between the writer and his friends, de Souza also tries to see how many times he can get away with having Stallone scream about and take ownership of “the law.”

…or not.

Okay, let’s talk about Rob Schneider now. My God, he sucks. He sucks so much in this movie he brings suicidal undertones to the phrase comic “relief.” His character exists for no logical reason other than to complain and irritate the audience. You can actually watch Stallone’s annoyed eyes wanting to hatef*ck Schneider the whole time. It’s pretty funny. A younger smokin’ Diane Lane also appears along with Max Von Syndow, though neither have anything to do other than try not to laugh whenever Stallone yells. The one actual brilliant bit of casting is Armand Assante as the villain Rico. Pairing Assante and Stallone together as clone-brothers is genius; they both share the same jaw and have equal penchants for overacting as if it were made of oxygen. Their short scenes together are awe-inspiring. One can only imagine the amount of saliva accidentally sprayed on set that day. Truly epic.

“No, I’m not a fan of disco. Why do you ask?”

I also have to call special attention to JUDGE DREDD’s opening sequence, which is a montage of random comic book covers (with James Earl Jones narration, no less!), as if the filmmakers want to remind you, “Hey, this is based on somebody else’s work. We didn’t make this shit up! Don’t blame us!” Don’t worry; we don’t blame you for this movie. We blame God.

Even if Rob Schneider only gets shot in the movie, we can still live the dream.

"Best" Line

Sylvester Stallone and friends would like to tell you about the law.

"Best" Parts

1) Empowered and filled with emotion, Stallone undresses Lady Justice with his eyes and then gets serious.

2) This is the kind of stuff Rob Schneider brings to the table. Forced gay jokes.

3) Dredd is briefly reunited with his mentor before fighting some cyborg desert cannibal thing. Raise your hand if you thing the robot guy sounds a little bit like Stallone (i.e. you can’t understand him).

Nudity Watch

Joan Chen shows some cleavage in a catfight with Diane Lane. But besides that the future apparently sucks for boobies.

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Take a Long Walk in to the Cursed Earth. In other words, buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

• Stallone talks in one liners
• Someone says the word “law”
• Stallone says, “I knew you’d say that.”

Thanks to Juan for suggesting this week’s movie!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.