Dragonball Evolution (2009)

Director: James Wong
Stars: Justin Chatwin, Emmy Rossum, Chow Yun Fat

 

Is there a plot?

A young Japanese man must travel the world and collect a set of powerful magic balls before they fall in to the wrong hands and bring about world destruction.

This is Pokemon! Er… Dragonball!

 

What's the damage?

I have no previous love for the Dragonball series or its random incarnations, but I’m assuming DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION is extremely unfaithful to the original work. Because I refuse to believe that geeks all over the world are actually obsessed with something as stupid as this. God, I hope I’m right.

“I’M POOOOOOPING!”

There’s a fairly convoluted back story given in the first 20 seconds (thanks to convenient text and narration) revolving around an evil green warlord, a solar eclipse, monks, demons, and a magical wish granting dragon. I’m still not quite sure what exactly DRAGONBALL was all about, but that doesn’t really matter because thankfully the majority of this movie is just SPIDER-MAN with more Asian people. There’s a young nerdy hero who’s bullied in high school, but is secretly in love with the head bully’s girlfriend. And although he possesses superpowers and a sixth "spider" sense, his elderly guardian has always taught him that with great power comes great responsibility. Until one night when the hero decides he wants to live a normal life and goes to a party, only to come back and find his Uncle Ben grandfather murdered, which prompts him to fight evil and defeat the bad guy. Who looks like a Green Goblin.

See Sam Raimi…you CAN make a Green Goblin that doesn’t look like a freaking Power Ranger.

I know I said “young Japanese man” in the plot synopsis, but DRAGONBALL is actually set in a beautiful world where race doesn’t exits. That’s the only explanation as to why characters living in Japan with Japanese relatives and names like Goku are clearly played by American actors from WAR OF THE WORLDS using lots of hair product, or why the filmmakers cast an Asian guy as the California surfer dude. Right? And what about Emmy Rossum, who’s stuck saying things like, “Give me my promethium orb back!” as an unconvincing tactical weapons expert who ironically is more Chow Yun Fat in this movie than Chow Yun Fat. That’s right Tequila from HARD BOILED is in this flick, as is Winston himself, Ernie Hudson, who shows up in a bizarre cameo as a monk who chants with Chow Yun Fat.

The Asian Doublemint Twins are something we can all get on board with.

Fans of the show probably only watched it for the action, but does that translate to the screen? Well, kinda. The laws of physics and basic science not only don’t exist in DRAGONBALL, but they are methodically taunted by Sir Isaac Newton, who’s being sexually assaulted while flying a hundred feet in the air. There are really only a few moments of actual Dragonball-like action at the very end—the power-ups and fireballs and people zooming around the atmosphere. And as you guessed, it looks really really dumb in live action. The rest of the movie is just your basic horrible wire-fu martial arts with weird techno elements like flying cars and compact motorcycles that fit in your pocket. There’s also a John Woo-on-crack overuse of slow motion, like the director watched 300 and took it as gospel.

“So you guys are definitely making GHOSTBUSTERS 3, right? Cuz I can’t take anymore of this ABC Family Channel crap.”

So yeah, DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION was pretty darn bad. But my favorite thing about it is that the entire plot revolves around the dire need for everyone to find all 7 dragonballs before the evil Piccolo. And in the end they fail, but it’s okay because they just go to Piccolo’s hideout and stop him anyways. This is where the main character randomly turns in to a werewolf. Yeah, I don’t know either. Japanese people are weird.

"Best" Line

A good sample of Chow Yun Fat’s hammy acting in this movie. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back 10 years and warn him not to come to Hollywood.

 

"Best" Parts

1) The final showdown between Goku and Piccolo, with plenty of ridiculous action and horrible acting. Also, a magical dragon comes and tells the kids to wish upon a star.

 

2) Goku gets revenge on the bullies who torment him by using the ultimate secret weapon: ridiculous slow motion!

 

3) This is the opening scene of the movie. And it’s a physics-defying fight between our hero and an old man, with 30 seconds of slow motion sweat and a helpless fly used as a weapon.

 

Nudity Watch

None, but the girl who plays Chi-Chi is smokin’ hot. Her name is Chi-Chi though, so it’s a lose-lose situation.

 

Enjoyableness Continuum:

See how I avoided making an immature “ball” joke? Buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

• Something happens in slow motion
• Justin Chatwin looks lintense or yells intensely

Double shot when:

• A character says, “Kame Hame Ha”

 

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.

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