If there’s one thing I’ve learned from writing this column it’s that there are fans of Awfully Good cinema all around the world. For instance, this week’s suggestion came from snowy Russia, where my new friend Ренольд де ШАтийон tells tales of a movie so bad it transcends language barriers.

Demons at the Door (2004)

Director: Roy Knyrim
Stars:Richard Benedetto, Leslie Brockett, Sean’e La’Dae

 

Is there a plot?

THE DA VINCI CODE meets Insane Clown Posse meets an $85 budget.

 

What's the damage?

If I had to pick one thing that will automatically make any movie awful, aside from Uwe Boll, it’s the Insane Clown Posse. ICP provides the soundtrack to DEMONS AT THE DOOR, although the term “soundtrack” implies that what ICP does is actually “music.” Because if there’s one thing I want when watching an old guy take an axe to a demon in a trashy low-budget flick, it’s some clown faux rapping about necrophilia and cartoons.

Robert Rodriguez’s new PREDATOR movie violently angered its fanbase with a bizarre Predator ho-down musical number.

But if you can get past the horrible music, DEMONS AT THE DOOR has much to offer fans of this column. The plot is lazily non-existent (literally, there are demons trying to get through a door) and the movie is unbelievably cheap and poorly put together, which makes for tons of laughs. I’m talking “shot on a camcorder” cinematography and special effects that look like someone held a sock puppet in front of the camera. The creatures are probably test costumes that were rejected from the Power Rangers TV show. At one point a guy fights a rubber puppet that looks like a serious version of the dog fight from SOMETHING ABOUT MARY.

“Excuse me, you wouldn’t happen to have any Clear Eyes eyedrops would you?”

I would say that the actors are only working with the horrible script they’re given, but this group of porn-grade performers manage to make the word-poop on the page even worse onscreen. The best by far is the main character, a tough guy marine who looks like a ‘roided out Matt Dillon that spouts off horrible one-liners constantly. Apparently the actor is actually a failed comedian and it’s easy to see why. A sample: “Here’s 35 cents; call Ripley’s and see if they believe it or not!”

If Satan ends up being a sock puppet, I don’t think we have anything to worry about.

A few of the especially bad parts:

• The gang’s first idea is to let in a demon, beat it up and then torture it so it will tell them how they can be defeated. Yes, they want to torture demons—the fallen angels who make up Satan’s all-powerful army. And they actually get it to talk by pulling its teeth out.
• The cast also chats with Satan’s head demon for most of the movie…via webcam. And it’s literally a guy in an ugly costume making lewd and racist comments. (Best line: “I f*cked the Blair Witch!”)
• There’s an incredibly disturbing shower scene, where a wise-cracking demon propositions a girl in the shower with his giant Satanic penis, that borders on Japanese tentacle porn. Thankfully she punches him in the dick and cuts off his head with a chainsaw before they actually do anything.
• [SPOILER] The movie stops trying in its final moments and becomes an all-out comedy when it’s revealed that Satan is actually a small dog. A dog with a disgustingly obese minion who sits on our hero and farts in his face.

“If Bruce Campbell doesn’t want to make EVIL DEAD 4, can I?”

Obviously, DEMONS AT THE DOOR is for true aficionados of trash cinema.

"Best" Line

I guess it makes sense that demons would be horrible bigots, but do they have to talk such annoying smack?

 

"Best" Parts

1) Satan is a dog and his henchman is an obese woman with bad gas. See how it all goes down. (Trust me, it’s worth it.)

 

2) Warning: This shower scene is equally NSFW and disturbing, mostly thanks to giant demon penis. Basically, this wisecracking demon tries to convince a naked girl to get it on with him, before he’s interrupted by a dude with a chainsaw.

 

3) The amount of green goo that spews forth from this hacked up demon is both disgusting and hilarious. It also ends with a fantastic use of “Word to your mother.”

 

Nudity Watch

Some showering boobs for the men, some huge demon peen for the ladies.

 

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Be a Juggalo! Buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

• Rick says something sassy or cheesy
• A demon says something racist
• A demon laughs uncontrollably

Double shot when:

• You need one

 

Thanks to Ренольд де ШАтийон and his pet bear Ivan for suggesting this week’s movie (and for the screengrabs)!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.

Email to a Friend  Print Article  RSS Feeds

Send us a Scoop! JoBlo on Twitter!